Heritage Humorist Pillows

'I still prefer the pipe. A ceremony isn't the same sharing nicotine peace gum.'

As Americans, we set aside a special time to celebrate our bounty and give thanks.

"Suddenly, you’re a fan of New England stone work?"

Baseball cap-very long Welsh name.

'I, Dom Perignon, will now uncork the very first bottle of Champagne. Of course, I'm just guessing this is the right way to do it.'

'That is a coincidence - I am half Scottish!'

'There's a huge gap between Adam and Eve and Gran'ma Kirby...'

Alice the Nympho

'It's time you knew, Son -- you were abandoned here as a child by aliens.'

'And that is Great Grandpa Bobo. They say he slipped on a banana peel and died, but I think it was just a heart attack.'

Easter Island Football Goal

'Don't be silly -- how can a PARROT be part Scottish?'

Lady Liberty's Self-Care

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

Apples for sale

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

Vlad the Impala

"No. I can't 'let it out a bit'. It's armour, you'll just have to go on a diet!"

'We might make more progress if we try working as a team.'

'Which one of you told Glurk to stretch before running?'

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"I'd say this pair of sixes beats your hand."

"We're having one heck of a time building that trapezoidal thing of yours..."

"Right here's fine."

"When are they going to change the 'feature'?"

'The wheel was easy, the owner's manual is hard!'

Name one serious woodworker who doesn't use state of the art kit. Thomas Chippendale.

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: Dead Cat Crown Jewels

The discovery of asparagus.

'On second thought, let's try it the other way around... My head on a lion's body.'

'How could you flunk stone shop?'

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

A child at a museum starts to pull the wrappings off a mummy.

"Look at their faces! What did they expect? They never visited her! Of course the will says her money goes to the cat shelter. . ."