Hailstone Humorist Gifts

'Can't find my ball - I never actually believed that hailstones could be this size...'

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

"Hey, I'm just playing devil's avocado!"

"There's got to be a better way to raise potatoes!"

'I've been sitting on this mountain for 25 years, and what I've learned is that true happiness can only be found in the soothing relief of a fast-acting hemorrhoid cream!'

"You'll have to excuse my date. He spontaneously combusts from time to time."

'I was on my way to Heaven, when they stumbled across my blog...'

Echo Mountain...NO Yodeling! - Falling rock zone.

"Running out for lawyers and CEOs. Want anything?"

"Is it just me, or is it humid up here?"

"Jeez, Honey, will you hurry up in there? I've been hibernating all winter, too, y'know!"

'No, I'm his cousin, Sasquash.'

"And then, after they were done with their bodies, they baked them at 350 degrees for an hour."

In the houseplant cemetery.

'Wrong fork. Good Lord, man, don't you have any table manners?'

'Tastes like it's been stored next to a blazing furnace for twenty years - Perfect!'

Shakespeare in the Industrial Park

"Did I miss something?"

Hades Weather Channel. Tomorrow will continue gloomy with lots of scattered firestorms and high pressure fronts. And, as always, an infinitesimal chance of freezing over.

"Oh, are you attacking from home today?"

'Surely you could have missed one episode of Eastenders !!'

"Hey - are those scented candles???"

"Well... Can't say I'm surprised!"

That's a salad pitchfork, Bob.

'This next song is one I wrote before I souled out.'

Moon Dog at earth.

"The adventures of Robin Hood are becoming a lot less adventurous."

'I'm not up here seeking wisdom - this is the only place they'll let me smoke.'

"I didn't spend seventeen days climbing this bloody mountain, in all weathers, for a lecture on personal hygiene!"

Pearly Gates Queue

'Hey you! You work here, don't you? You people could be in real trouble with the fire marshal for not having any smoke detectors! I assume they make regular inspections around here?'

'So far, everyone of them has overshot the drop zone.'

'...never take anything for granite!'

Wanted to live forever, died trying.

'Oh good! I hate long lines.'