Hellscape Humorist Gifts

'Sir,we have a problem'

'Then, when they complain about the heat. Just when they think it can't get any worse, we bring in this guy. . .'

'Great! My thermals were delivered.'

'You sloth and gluttony guys have it easy -- I'm here for envy!'

"Hey - are those scented candles???"

One vampire tricks another behind a mirror.

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

"Hey, I'm just playing devil's avocado!"

"Yeah, I'm moonlighting. It's a living."

Dr. Frankenstein creates his newest monster, Frankenmime.

"And this Halloween, try not to make a specter of yourself."

'Transylvania's most famous Optometrist 'Count Mracula'.'

"Johnson, you're new here, right? Mind if I pick your brain?"

"Some Debussy, Igor."

"Well, sir, it looks like things are getting pretty serious for Peter and Pauline."

Cat Frankenstein

'It's a little varietal I bottle myself...Type A positive.'

Fancy a pint?

"Sometime I feel people go out of their way just to scare me."

Polterguest: "When is your brother going to leave? He's driving me crazy!"

The Zombie Awakes...

...your sales are rather anemic

'Took calcium supplements for years without paying for them.'

'It's your turn to put the cat out.'

"You'll have to excuse my date. He spontaneously combusts from time to time."

'And your class story is an old, old one. In the middle of successful soul-snatching careers you were suddenly bitten by the lawyering bug...'

'The problem is you're a perfectionist. You don't always have to be totally evil. Sometimes it's OK to just be annoying.'

'I was on my way to Heaven, when they stumbled across my blog...'

"We remain reasonably confident that once we nail down the little network problem we're having, all Hell will be able to break loose according to the modified schedule, which, unfortunately, is in a file we can't seem to locate right now."

"From here on out it's term and conditions."

"Running out for lawyers and CEOs. Want anything?"

Hellbillies.

'We're very lucky, really, with our poltergeist.'

Sir Gilbert Murgatroyd

Pitching problems.