Hell-bound Humorist Gifts

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

Man being prodded into hell by a demon meets a charity collector with clipboard, asking: 'Hello, could I have five minutes of your time?'

"Pierce and Pebble, Solicitors. Here's a writ for you to appear in court for harrassment of our client, Dr Faustus."

"Are you sure you should be on this list?!"

"Hey, I'm just playing devil's avocado!"

Meowlzebub

"From this you make a living?"

'And your class story is an old, old one. In the middle of successful soul-snatching careers you were suddenly bitten by the lawyering bug...'

"You'll have to excuse my date. He spontaneously combusts from time to time."

'Took calcium supplements for years without paying for them.'

'I was on my way to Heaven, when they stumbled across my blog...'

'His Trout Almondine Veal Cordon Blue in mushroom sauce was crudely seasoned.'

"We remain reasonably confident that once we nail down the little network problem we're having, all Hell will be able to break loose according to the modified schedule, which, unfortunately, is in a file we can't seem to locate right now."

"From here on out it's term and conditions."

"Do you see the one who possessed your soul?"

Actually, I prefer to think of my body as repurposed.

"Running out for lawyers and CEOs. Want anything?"

Special Place in Hell...

'No fair, man. How come you get a dessert fork?'

'Wrong fork. Good Lord, man, don't you have any table manners?'

Hades Weather Channel. Tomorrow will continue gloomy with lots of scattered firestorms and high pressure fronts. And, as always, an infinitesimal chance of freezing over.

"Ooh, Igor — a dead rat! You shouldn’t have!"

'Tastes like it's been stored next to a blazing furnace for twenty years - Perfect!'

Preserved head and mobile phone.

Vulture waiting outside a failing business.

"Well... Can't say I'm surprised!"

That's a salad pitchfork, Bob.

"Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"

"What can I say? Tough split."

"Your call is very important to us. Please hold the line...for eternity!"

'You can come back as a zombie OR a ghost, Randy, but not both.'

Devil reading ransom note: We have your thermostat.

"Hey - are those scented candles???"

'This next song is one I wrote before I souled out.'

'I'm afraid you're going to have to stay with us for a thousand years, but your sins are tax-deductible.'