Dine-and-dash Dramatist Gifts

"Perhaps, someday, we can share the same table."

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

Push Push Push: sign on maternity ward doors.

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

The Perfect Foil

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'Hello, Ebeneezer! It's me - the ghost of coming dinner!'

'...and could you refill the vinegar - Genius here thinks it's the wine.'

I don

"Would you mind telling me why you keep hitting a scary-music sound bite every time you pick up your steak knife?"

'Lovely soup, just like my mother used to open.'

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

'After you with the camouflage.'

"Let me give you the Heimlich. That always gets the waiter's attention."

'Let's forget the duck de la margola and order something else!' (man seeing duck fleeing from cook).

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

Waiter: 'Your Tossed salad Ma'am.'

Alarming symptoms after eating boiled beef and gooseberry pie

"Wait. Let it breathe."

"What will change my life?"

"Hi again. Can I just check whether you enjoyed me interrupting your meal five minutes ago to ask whether you were enjoying your meal?"

"I will avenge the underdone fish that ruined my dinner if it's the last thing I ever do."

"Our steaks are unusually tough tonight."

"Waiter - this dish doesn't contain enough adjectives..!"

'How is the Peking Duck prepared?' 'I'll break it to her gently.'

"I don't see one damn thing we haven't eaten before."

"Good evening, my name is Hank. I'm your waiter tonight. This is Eddy, he is our cooks' lawyer."

Now squeeze sharply five times - that should dislodge the tip from his coat pocket.

Lady with an inflatable dinner date.

"Here are Monsieur Limace, our sommelier, Monsiere Juron, chef de Cuisine and Mr Kruigshenk, specialist for the beheading of breakfast eggs."

"I need a doggy bag please, I have a room mate to feed."

'It was late, very late, but the peas had touched the mash potatoes, and only dawn could lift the curse.'

"I'm not saying it's undercooked, dear, but I've seen fish hurt worse than this jump off the hook."