Dining Dramatist Gifts

"And don't try to pull the old 'good wine steward, bad wine steward' routine."

"What will change my life?"

"Waiter - this dish doesn't contain enough adjectives..!"

"Hi again. Can I just check whether you enjoyed me interrupting your meal five minutes ago to ask whether you were enjoying your meal?"

"We'd like a table overlooking two chairs"

'Could you hurry up on that order for table five? -- they're holding the maitre d' hostage.'

'Oh,dear- I do believe your wife's just walked in!'

Waiter: 'Your Tossed salad Ma'am.'

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

"Here are Monsieur Limace, our sommelier, Monsiere Juron, chef de Cuisine and Mr Kruigshenk, specialist for the beheading of breakfast eggs."

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

The Perfect Foil

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'We'll get our food....eventually.'

'Hello, Ebeneezer! It's me - the ghost of coming dinner!'

'After you with the camouflage.'

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

'Lovely soup, just like my mother used to open.'

'Let's forget the duck de la margola and order something else!' (man seeing duck fleeing from cook).

"Would you mind telling me why you keep hitting a scary-music sound bite every time you pick up your steak knife?"

"Let me give you the Heimlich. That always gets the waiter's attention."

Alarming symptoms after eating boiled beef and gooseberry pie

Toast with faces popped up from toaster.

'Trouble cutting pickled onions.'

'I hear there's a fly in your soup?'

She realised it would be foolish to start a diet with third cousin Rodney's retirement party due in only 12 years.

'Macaroni and cheese, three nights in a row?... That's justifiable homicide in my book!'

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup, and ironically, there's also a crouton in my s**t."

"How was the food sir?"

"Our steaks are unusually tough tonight."

'How is the Peking Duck prepared?' 'I'll break it to her gently.'

"How's everything?"

"Places, everybody!"

Tinguely, Jean. Homage to the Dinner Party Mother Spent Months Preparing. Performance Piece. 1926.

"Good evening, my name is Hank. I'm your waiter tonight. This is Eddy, he is our cooks' lawyer."