Dinner Table Dramatist Gifts

"I'm not saying it's undercooked, dear, but I've seen fish hurt worse than this jump off the hook."

"Our steaks are unusually tough tonight."

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

Selfish shellfish - 'You kids share your food and stop being shellfish!'

The Perfect Foil

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"Those are insightful and legitimate questions about our country, Tommy, and if times were different, your mom and I probably wouldn't have to report you to the government for asking them!"

'Hello, Ebeneezer! It's me - the ghost of coming dinner!'

'...and could you refill the vinegar - Genius here thinks it's the wine.'

Waiter: 'Your Tossed salad Ma'am.'

"Let me give you the Heimlich. That always gets the waiter's attention."

'After you with the camouflage.'

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

'Lovely soup, just like my mother used to open.'

'Let's forget the duck de la margola and order something else!' (man seeing duck fleeing from cook).

"Waiter! - this soup tastes funny!"

Alarming symptoms after eating boiled beef and gooseberry pie

"Wait. Let it breathe."

"What will change my life?"

'Macaroni and cheese, three nights in a row?... That's justifiable homicide in my book!'

"I will avenge the underdone fish that ruined my dinner if it's the last thing I ever do."

Dear, this is the third time we've had broccoli casserole since you declared an end of major hostilities.

"Hi again. Can I just check whether you enjoyed me interrupting your meal five minutes ago to ask whether you were enjoying your meal?"

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

"Oh, I don't eat turkey. One of my spiritual advisers is a turkey."

"Waiter - this dish doesn't contain enough adjectives..!"

'How is the Peking Duck prepared?' 'I'll break it to her gently.'

'Today I learned it's hard not to sound condescending when explaining science to a religious person.'

"Snowflake, quit eyeballing me!"

'How many times have I told you not to talk with your mouth full?'

"Slop again?!"

"Here are Monsieur Limace, our sommelier, Monsiere Juron, chef de Cuisine and Mr Kruigshenk, specialist for the beheading of breakfast eggs."

Now squeeze sharply five times - that should dislodge the tip from his coat pocket.

"Good evening, my name is Hank. I'm your waiter tonight. This is Eddy, he is our cooks' lawyer."