Dinner Table Storyteller Gifts

'For God's sake, Ellie, we're vegetarian.'

Selfish shellfish - 'You kids share your food and stop being shellfish!'

"Those are insightful and legitimate questions about our country, Tommy, and if times were different, your mom and I probably wouldn't have to report you to the government for asking them!"

"We'll have to eat out tonight - I misplaced the can opener."

"Waiter! - this soup tastes funny!"

"I think he should cut a deal and invite Paula Jones to join NATO."

'We were made for each other...we hate the same TV shows.'

Chick in noodle soup.

'This mandarin chicken is delicious, Dad. It tastes like you bought it yourself.'

'Romano, Romano, wherefore art thou Romano?'

"Stop playing with your food and eat your dinner!"

Announcement at teatime

"Our steaks are unusually tough tonight."

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

'Today I learned it's hard not to sound condescending when explaining science to a religious person.'

"Oh, I don't eat turkey. One of my spiritual advisers is a turkey."

"Slop again?!"

'How many times have I told you not to talk with your mouth full?'

"Come on now. It's not that bad. We never even had Paris."

'If I'm not mistaken; aren't these the left-overs from last night's left-overs, from...'

"Let’s start with that waiter over there."

"My theory is that alcohol and gluten, if taken together, will reduce fat and build muscle."

"Darling, can you pass me the salt and the pepper spray?"

"Ryan, are you giving your vegetables to the Roomba again?"

'He was so cute! I touched his arm, and guess what? He said, 'Jeepers, Creepers'!'

"I'm not saying it's undercooked, dear, but I've seen fish hurt worse than this jump off the hook."

'Everyone loves Christmas...except the turkey!'

"The longer it takes him to recite the specials, the guiltier I feel for not ordering one."

'If it tastes just like chicken... I'd rather have chicken.'

"Did I tell you that I'm seeing a chiropractor?" "That's great. Is it helping your back?" "Are you kidding, my back is killing me. We see each other every night."

'Eat your vegetables, or you'll go mad like your father!'

If I don't make a sound, he won't notice.

'Must this family always talk sports at the dinner table?'