Dinner Table Conversations Gifts

'Stop competing, Harold!'

"Those are insightful and legitimate questions about our country, Tommy, and if times were different, your mom and I probably wouldn't have to report you to the government for asking them!"

Shawn considered himself a vegetarian by proxy.

"Oh, c'mon! Who eats aardvark with a fork?"

'Well - how has everyone wasted time and energy today?'

"I think he should cut a deal and invite Paula Jones to join NATO."

'We were made for each other...we hate the same TV shows.'

"You have zero empathy, Carlton. And I can't even begin to imagine what that's like."

Chick in noodle soup.

Dear, this is the third time we've had broccoli casserole since you declared an end of major hostilities.

"Oh, I don't eat turkey. One of my spiritual advisers is a turkey."

'Today I learned it's hard not to sound condescending when explaining science to a religious person.'

"Do you have any appetizers that are just fun to play with?"

"Slop again?!"

"Come on now. It's not that bad. We never even had Paris."

"Why are you surprised we're having leftovers? It's all we ever eat!"

'May I caution that the term 'Happy meal' refers to the meal itself rather than to any effect it may have.'

'Even the TV dinners are a repeat.'

'For God's sake, Ellie, we're vegetarian.'

'Dinner's almost ready — go wash your knuckles.'

"The longer it takes him to recite the specials, the guiltier I feel for not ordering one."

"My theory is that alcohol and gluten, if taken together, will reduce fat and build muscle."

"What's the Chef's Surprise Sir? Well, he's VERY surprised his kitchen has just survived a visit from the Government Food and Hygiene Inspector!"

"Did I tell you that I'm seeing a chiropractor?" "That's great. Is it helping your back?" "Are you kidding, my back is killing me. We see each other every night."

"Let’s start with that waiter over there."

"They were, sitting around the dinner table, knocking off a bottle of Côtes-du-Rhône and blathering about the Middle East – you've never heard such shallow, simplistic reasoning in your life – and one of them turns to me and says, "And what do you think, Barney? What do you think we should do?' and all I could come up with was 'Woof'. I felt like such an ass."

'Must this family always talk sports at the dinner table?'

Chicken running out of restaurant, waiter: "Err, chickens off"

'The drains are blocked.' 'Don't use paper plates.'

"My hair is so unruly that it's threatening to become an angry mob."

"Oh God, I forgot to ask if anybody had lard issues."

'Everything's off except the weak and the sick.'

"So honey, how bad was your day today?"

"Ein Gesichtsprüfer namens Ted hat heute Morgen wegen seines Nachrufs angerufen."