Dinner Table Banter Gifts

'The drains are blocked.' 'Don't use paper plates.'

"You owe me five bucks."

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

"Let me get this, but keep in mind that you'll pay for it in other, more subtle ways later on."

"Those are insightful and legitimate questions about our country, Tommy, and if times were different, your mom and I probably wouldn't have to report you to the government for asking them!"

Shawn considered himself a vegetarian by proxy.

'Nobody goes there anymore.' 'Because it's too crowded.'

'Well - how has everyone wasted time and energy today?'

'I'll be late for dinner - a shelf fell on me.'

"You have zero empathy, Carlton. And I can't even begin to imagine what that's like."

"You ordered mammoth again?"

'And just how much is silver going for a troy ounce these days?'

"The social conservative in me tells me to pay for dinner, but the fiscal conservative thinks we should split it."

'I hate them too. Listen, would you like to go out sometime? Dinner maybe? We could complain about the service.'

'I wouldn't say you're boring, Chuck, but you're the only person I know who records The Weather Channel.'

'Will you stop going BAAAAA every time I eat a piece of lamb!'

"When you say 'the same', do you mean worse or better?"

Dear, this is the third time we've had broccoli casserole since you declared an end of major hostilities.

'Today I learned it's hard not to sound condescending when explaining science to a religious person.'

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

"Oh, I don't eat turkey. One of my spiritual advisers is a turkey."

'Mutter mutter...I was talking to my broccoli.'

"Slop again?!"

"Do you have any appetizers that are just fun to play with?"

'Forget about National Security for a second... if I'm not home in an hour for dinner, there's going to be some REAL FIREWORKS!'

"Don't try to distance yourself from my choice of entrée."

'How many times have I told you not to talk with your mouth full?'

"Because of the war can we split this?"

"Do you two need a little more time?"

'What are we having for dinner?'

'They were in the lab fooling around, and suddenly Greg found himself in possession of some tiger genes.'

'Nice guys finish last - is that your philosophy of life or sex?'

Waiter battles with his customers.

"My theory is that alcohol and gluten, if taken together, will reduce fat and build muscle."