Dining Drama Expert Gifts

"There, dammit. Is that enough pepper for you??"

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

The Perfect Foil

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'Hello, Ebeneezer! It's me - the ghost of coming dinner!'

'...and could you refill the vinegar - Genius here thinks it's the wine.'

'Stop him, he's got the receipe.' Duck running away

'We'll get our food....eventually.'

"Let me give you the Heimlich. That always gets the waiter's attention."

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

"House red, sir?"

"Oh, put a cork in it...the bottle, you, the wine steward."

'After you with the camouflage.'

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

Waiter: 'Your Tossed salad Ma'am.'

'Lovely soup, just like my mother used to open.'

Alarming symptoms after eating boiled beef and gooseberry pie

'Trouble cutting pickled onions.'

'So, not your favourite restuarant anymore...'

"Wait. Let it breathe."

'I hear there's a fly in your soup?'

'I apologize for repeatedly asking if everything is okay, but displaying customer concern is part of our mission statement.'

"What will change my life?"

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup, and ironically, there's also a crouton in my s**t."

"Hi again. Can I just check whether you enjoyed me interrupting your meal five minutes ago to ask whether you were enjoying your meal?"

'Are the shellfish safe?'-'Certainly, sir- we keep them locked up in the kitchen.'

"How was the food sir?"

"I will avenge the underdone fish that ruined my dinner if it's the last thing I ever do."

'How is the Peking Duck prepared?' 'I'll break it to her gently.'

"Waiter - this dish doesn't contain enough adjectives..!"

"How's everything?"

"Here are Monsieur Limace, our sommelier, Monsiere Juron, chef de Cuisine and Mr Kruigshenk, specialist for the beheading of breakfast eggs."

Now squeeze sharply five times - that should dislodge the tip from his coat pocket.

"Quick! Tiptoe out and phone the Fire Service!"

"Good evening, my name is Hank. I'm your waiter tonight. This is Eddy, he is our cooks' lawyer."