Dine-and-dash Artist Gifts

"I need a doggy bag please, I have a room mate to feed."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"Fresh pepper spray?"

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

"It's Chicken Mole!"

Dali Chooses a Lobster

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

I don

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

Waiter: 'Your Tossed salad Ma'am.'

'Given the date, they must be organic.'

"Would you mind telling me why you keep hitting a scary-music sound bite every time you pick up your steak knife?"

"When Picasso was hungry he would swap a painting for a meal. Times change. I am a celebrity chef..."

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"The pink ones are sashimi, and I believe the little yellow ones just fell off the Pollock."

Man eating his meal with his feet.

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

Menu. Everything looks so delicious! Thank you!

There's a strange mist over my food. You never heard of pea soup fog?

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

"What will change my life?"

"Hi again. Can I just check whether you enjoyed me interrupting your meal five minutes ago to ask whether you were enjoying your meal?"

"I hope you like smoked salmon."

'Thaw for 24 hours. They should have told me that yesterday.'

Please be gentle, waiter. This is my first salad. I'm sorry, sir, but there's a reason they call it "roughage."

"Waiter - this dish doesn't contain enough adjectives..!"

Now squeeze sharply five times - that should dislodge the tip from his coat pocket.

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

"I don't see one damn thing we haven't eaten before."

'We're out of pheasant under glass, M'sieur — is duck soup close enough?'

"Here are Monsieur Limace, our sommelier, Monsiere Juron, chef de Cuisine and Mr Kruigshenk, specialist for the beheading of breakfast eggs."

'Yon lad's got a chip on his shoulder.' 'Aye, he's certainly a messy eater.'

Please note that our menu items have changed. For starters, press or say 1. For main courses, press or say 2. For desserts, ..........'