Dieting Jester Gifts

FOOD TENDED TO GO DIRECTLY TO EMILY'S EARS....

'My doctor said I'm digging my own grave with a spoon and fork. It'll take longer if I use only a fork.'

Don't be fooled by the theatrics. She'll only suck your sap!

"Is that your idea of a well balanced diet"

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

'The second day of my diet is the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

'He's all eyes!'

Hello-BUNS OF STEEL?

Heavy man wants the cake and Edith too.

'I'll have the diet special followed by a triple helping of chocolate sponge cake.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

"I like the metric system. My weight in kilograms is less than my weight in pounds."

Chocolate Munchies. Only 100 calories...' awesome!' - '' - 'Runchy! Rurrgh!!' - '' - 'Oh, hold on. 100 calories per Munchie' - '' -

"You can eat all the cake you want and still get into heaven."

'You want to become a vegan?... Well okay, but you do realise there'll be nothing lower than you on the food chain?'

'Once he stopped sticking me with needles, I felt great!'

"How do you do it, Doris? You eat eighty pounds of grass a day, and still manage to look so slim!"

Buoyancy Weight

'Your fat free bit, is right there, in the middle!'

"And I told them not to use lactose for the last supper..."

'A table near the food, please.'

'The food is disgusting.' 'And such small portions.'

Overweight Man Crashes Through Ceiling

'Nothing says congrats on a healthy new diet than an arrangement of broccoli, fruit and cauliflower!'

'Put the cheesecake and cappuccino on one bill and the health salad on another bill so I can show my wife that I'm watching my diet.'

"Tomorrow night let's switch back to gin."

'Ill have the salad. But could I have it made out of chocolate?'

My diet sheet says only one ice cream a day. (Has giant ice cream cone).

'An olive please. I need the greens.'

News. We're supposed to eat from the food circle. It's replacing the food pyramid. It's a lot more fun to eat from the food cone!

'I'm on a diet -- I just eat the brains.'

Bakery. I'm trying to lose weight by eating carrot bran muffins. Ah, the fiber-optic diet!

From January 1 I live off stored fat.