Dieting Jester Pillows

FOOD TENDED TO GO DIRECTLY TO EMILY'S EARS....

'My doctor said I'm digging my own grave with a spoon and fork. It'll take longer if I use only a fork.'

Don't be fooled by the theatrics. She'll only suck your sap!

"Is that your idea of a well balanced diet"

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'The second day of my diet is the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

'He's all eyes!'

Hello-BUNS OF STEEL?

Heavy man wants the cake and Edith too.

'I'll have the diet special followed by a triple helping of chocolate sponge cake.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

Chocolate Munchies. Only 100 calories...' awesome!' - '' - 'Runchy! Rurrgh!!' - '' - 'Oh, hold on. 100 calories per Munchie' - '' -

"You can eat all the cake you want and still get into heaven."

"I like the metric system. My weight in kilograms is less than my weight in pounds."

'You want to become a vegan?... Well okay, but you do realise there'll be nothing lower than you on the food chain?'

'Once he stopped sticking me with needles, I felt great!'

"How do you do it, Doris? You eat eighty pounds of grass a day, and still manage to look so slim!"

Buoyancy Weight

'Your fat free bit, is right there, in the middle!'

'The food is disgusting.' 'And such small portions.'

Overweight Man Crashes Through Ceiling

'A table near the food, please.'

"And I told them not to use lactose for the last supper..."

'Nothing says congrats on a healthy new diet than an arrangement of broccoli, fruit and cauliflower!'

'Put the cheesecake and cappuccino on one bill and the health salad on another bill so I can show my wife that I'm watching my diet.'

"Tomorrow night let's switch back to gin."

'An olive please. I need the greens.'

'I'm on a diet -- I just eat the brains.'

'Ill have the salad. But could I have it made out of chocolate?'

From January 1 I live off stored fat.

My diet sheet says only one ice cream a day. (Has giant ice cream cone).

'When I said to eat a varied diet I didn't just mean buying all 12 varieties of Krispysnax noodles!'

"This is a real good deal. If you take the Gigaburger Family Four, you get free liposuction vouchers."