Vegetarian Jester Gifts

Don't be fooled by the theatrics. She'll only suck your sap!

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

I used to eat plenty of natural foods, but then I found out that most people die of natural causes.

'He's all eyes!'

"Here there is all the bacon, pizza and beer you could desire. But do not eat from the Tree of Tofu lest you should lose paradise."

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

'Diet? Yeah I'm on a prop's diet...pies,chips,burgers and coke!'

'Your tomato ketchup is on it's way, Sir...'

"Apparently, giving up wearing fur wasn't enough!"

Frisbee dog catching pizza dough

"Just how rare is this steak..."

Middle Age Spread.

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

'... Got anything besides apples?'

'Purpose of visit?'

'Hey, a fly! This is supposed to be vegetarian soup.'

'You want to become a vegan?... Well okay, but you do realise there'll be nothing lower than you on the food chain?'

'Hoopla!'

'Whatever fast food - fried stuff, fat, sugar, salt for the 'Doesn't Bother Me' person'.

Bill finally receives a celery commensurate with his responsibilities.

Warning: Eating this food could result in a decrease of health benefits

Rabbit being eaten.

'...He's eating real meat chunks in a rich, beefy gravy - I'm eating sprout salad and bean curd.'

"When we hired you, we said we would offer a giant celery... Not a salary."

Suicide by overeating.

'No Dad, that is NOT healthy fast food!'

'We don't have pressed duck, but we could shove around a chicken for you.'

'My doctor said I'm digging my own grave with a spoon and fork. It'll take longer if I use only a fork.'

'Your fat free bit, is right there, in the middle!'

'The bad news is we have to amputate your liver - the good news is it'll be great with onions!'

'The food is disgusting.' 'And such small portions.'

'Leave us alone, you big bully!'

"I'll be submitting a request for an artichoke heart."