Vegan Jester Gifts

'You want to become a vegan?... Well okay, but you do realise there'll be nothing lower than you on the food chain?'

Don't be fooled by the theatrics. She'll only suck your sap!

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! It's Malaprop Man! Malaprop Man, I hear you're fighting climate change now. Yes starting with solo panels, I'm reducing greenhouse guesses! I'm investing in buttery technology. I'm going to have windmeals. And of course, I've stopped drinking cola. Why is that? I'll have a smaller carbonated footprint!

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"Here there is all the bacon, pizza and beer you could desire. But do not eat from the Tree of Tofu lest you should lose paradise."

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

'Your tomato ketchup is on it's way, Sir...'

Middle Age Spread.

Frisbee dog catching pizza dough

"Just how rare is this steak..."

'Hoopla!'

Finish Annual IOK Grunion Run

Ostrich Farm

Bill finally receives a celery commensurate with his responsibilities.

'No Dad, that is NOT healthy fast food!'

"Here, try this anti-dandruff fertiliser my gardener recommended."

"When we hired you, we said we would offer a giant celery... Not a salary."

'You can tell the age of a horse by the teeth...but who wants to bite a horse.'

'My doctor said I'm digging my own grave with a spoon and fork. It'll take longer if I use only a fork.'

Rabbit being eaten.

This Junk Mail made from 75% Recycled Other Junk Mail.

'We don't have pressed duck, but we could shove around a chicken for you.'

'Your fat free bit, is right there, in the middle!'

'The bad news is we have to amputate your liver - the good news is it'll be great with onions!'

"I can't stand rutabagas - couldn't you pay me for NOT growing broccoli instead?"

'Yes, Hawkins, I did tell you to never show your face around this farm again.'

FOOD TENDED TO GO DIRECTLY TO EMILY'S EARS....

COWS: Cow Carrot Incentive Error

'The food is disgusting.' 'And such small portions.'

"I'll be submitting a request for an artichoke heart."

'GIT!!!'

'Leave us alone, you big bully!'

The runner ducks ate all the snails from the garden and Jack was happy but then...