Dietary Restrictions Jester Gifts

"And I told them not to use lactose for the last supper..."

Don't be fooled by the theatrics. She'll only suck your sap!

"Is that your idea of a well balanced diet"

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

"I'd like a fat-free, gluten-free, MSG-free, mini, super-skinny, artisan latte please..."

"I'm taking you off two of the four food groups."

'Do you have a traditional Christmas dinner, but for a lacto-vegan fruitarian?'

'I'll have the diet special followed by a triple helping of chocolate sponge cake.'

"You can eat all the cake you want and still get into heaven."

"I was the first one to work completely gluten free."

"Back inside, Bernie! The buffet is full of shrimp, pork and ham!"

"My lab tests are in. I'm lactose intolerant."

"I want you to decrease your salt intake and increase your pepper intake."

'My doctor said I'm digging my own grave with a spoon and fork. It'll take longer if I use only a fork.'

Mouse, caught in trap after attempting to get cheese, says: 'That's it ??" I'm quitting dairy.'

'Your fat free bit, is right there, in the middle!'

"I'm giving up chocolate for lent."

The Sprats

'And ask the chef to run his blender as he cooks that steak. My doctor has put me on a liquid diet.'

FOOD TENDED TO GO DIRECTLY TO EMILY'S EARS....

'The food is disgusting.' 'And such small portions.'

"Sorry, babe, this ain't gonna work out. I'm lactose intolerant."

Gluten-free area.

'Do you have another menu of what I can have?'

"I asked for something gluten-free, dairy-free and meat-free and he brought me a glass of water."

"It's the only organic lacto-vegan menu I could find that fitted into the firms Christmas meal budget."

"This is a real good deal. If you take the Gigaburger Family Four, you get free liposuction vouchers."

'If you caught that in a wheat field, how do we know it's gluten-free?'

"Oh no! Who's been eating my food?"

"Yep, that's right, my life sucks: My mum says I can't have ice-cream, cakes, sweets or chocolate, just bamboo..."

She's just discovered her irritable bowel syndrome isn't caused by chocolate!

'I'm sorry, sir. You've had enough.'

"And since when did one iddy, biddy bar of chocolate do any harm?"