Balanced Diet Jester Gifts

"Is that your idea of a well balanced diet"

Don't be fooled by the theatrics. She'll only suck your sap!

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'Because Thanksgiving is about a bountiful harvest. That's why we have to eat all these vegetables.'

Good Cholesterol.

'Bad news! More people are switching from red meat to fish!'

"I'm taking you off two of the four food groups."

"You can eat all the cake you want and still get into heaven."

'Well that's a first Mr.Grimes - you appear to be suffering from an excess of omega 3.'

Chocolate Munchies. Only 100 calories...' awesome!' - '' - 'Runchy! Rurrgh!!' - '' - 'Oh, hold on. 100 calories per Munchie' - '' -

'I'm sorry but I can't bring out the dessert menu until both of you have eaten your veggies, company policy.'

'Looks like you've got enough fiber in your system.'

That's not quite what I meant by a 'balanced diet'..

'You want to become a vegan?... Well okay, but you do realise there'll be nothing lower than you on the food chain?'

"More protein? How about some veggies once in a while?"

"Sure, dead meat is good...it's just that sometimes I'd like a nice salad or a fruit cup!"

'My doctor said I'm digging my own grave with a spoon and fork. It'll take longer if I use only a fork.'

"Will the four main food groups fit on a pizza?"

'Your fat free bit, is right there, in the middle!'

"Yes, your blood work is not good! Going after the weak, sick or old is not conducive to eating well now, is it?"

FOOD TENDED TO GO DIRECTLY TO EMILY'S EARS....

"And I told them not to use lactose for the last supper..."

'The food is disgusting.' 'And such small portions.'

'They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but I say it's lunch. If it were the other way around, I'd be dead by now, since I've been sleeping through breakfast for years.'

'Nothing says congrats on a healthy new diet than an arrangement of broccoli, fruit and cauliflower!'

"I do want to be healthy but not so healthy that I miss out on my unhealthy eating habits."

"Tomorrow night let's switch back to gin."

"We may want to review the fibre levels in our diet..."

The eat well - lose weight - be calm diet.

News. We're supposed to eat from the food circle. It's replacing the food pyramid. It's a lot more fun to eat from the food cone!

Bakery. I'm trying to lose weight by eating carrot bran muffins. Ah, the fiber-optic diet!

'I lost twelve pounds.'

"This is a real good deal. If you take the Gigaburger Family Four, you get free liposuction vouchers."

'One four ounce serving supplies minimum daily requirement of butylated hydroxyanisole...'