Dating Satirist Gifts

"I don't go out with girls who won't eat things on menus."

You drink to forget? I promise not to give you anything remotely worth remembering.

Let the cleansing begin. Are you wearing a frock? During one week each fall, I cease my efforts to bag the babes. It's a cleansing process. No flirtation, no overtures at bus stops or bars, no flashing of Larry the Python. Who? My biceps. Ensconced this week in a frock. I'm stuck on the name Larry.

"Why do all the hot sex robots go for brainless pretty boy sex robots, instead of enlightened chivalrous guys like me?"

'He says you'll like his friend - his nickname is 'Bogey' & I think it's because he looks like the Hollywood 50's star,Humphrey Bogart'

"I won't sweep with you on our first date"

Man, who appears stressed, says to woman in pub: 'I'm into outdoor pursuits ??" smoking, for example.'

Ok, I'm a teeny bit possessive but is it unreasonable to ask you to wear this tracking device?

'Hmph! Cheap flowers.'

'Sorry -- I never interface on the first date.'

'This chicken was raised on a farm, ate corn and never consumed drugs. That's more than I knew about you when we dated.'

Bumper sticker: NO non-union chicks!

Seductive lines that just don't cut it.

'The wheel was great, but what have you done for me lately?'

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

Occu-Pie Mars

Trump Administration Raising White Flag in Ukraine

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'That's our mission statement.'

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

UK/US Free Trade Deal

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

"I believe we've found the weakest link."

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

Trump pardons

'I'm judging by your silence Al that you're giving me the green light on the Greenwich project. I just want to say that I admire your leadership. I guess that's why you've been running this company for 20 years.'

Do Not Resuscitate

"Boss, the AI is actually smarter than all of us! It read our business forecast, jumped up and ran out laughing!"

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

'His best qualities are circumventing questions and evading answers.'

Oligarchy