Online Dating Satirist Gifts

Why put an unflattering picture of yourself on a dating site? I'm hoping opposites attract.

"You can't do this on-line. I've wrecked three laptops trying. . ."

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

A boy is sat at a desk, with five plaques implying different qualifications he has earned from using social media.

I DATED A GUY FROM THE FAIR, BUT . . .

"April Fools'! You should’ve seen the look on your face!"

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

'I want to finish with him, but I'll have to wait until he's made the final payment on my engagement ring.'

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

'We have irreconcilable differences -- he's a MAN!'

Planned Parenthood: Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

"It wasn't a farming accident. She just bit my head off again."

'You can have any opinion you want as long as it's mine.'

"My Twitter account isn't too interesting. It's mostly just a bunch of threats."

'No. It's not a past girlfriend. I'm a tort lawyer.'

"Morning, Brad." "Morning, Angelina."

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

'I will subject to certain conditions...'

His and Hers.

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

"Marry you? Why I wouldn't even vote to let you into my co-op."

'That's his new trophy fishwife.'

"It's official, Michael has filed for moral bankruptcy."

"Every Sunday, the same thing: we watch the ducks from Bow Bridge, I think about pushing you in, and then we go to that stupid Mexican place."

'The part I like best about sex is when I light a cigarette and say next.'

"I’ll give you my answer in ... just ... one ... minute."

"You caught it, you probe it."

'You'll marry me? Really? Then forget it! I can't be with someone who's standards are that low!'

"Can I turn off the game and set the table? Ha, ha! Oh, honey, you are hilarious!"

'You may be the CEO of a large corporation, but at home you're an OMW, observe my whims!'

"No, dear, what we have is a 'samey sex' marriage."

"I submit to the committee the document of your unfinished screenplay, is it your testimony today that you told your wife it would be finished by now?"