Online Dating Satirist Gifts

"You can't do this on-line. I've wrecked three laptops trying. . ."

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

A boy is sat at a desk, with five plaques implying different qualifications he has earned from using social media.

I DATED A GUY FROM THE FAIR, BUT . . .

"April Fools'! You should’ve seen the look on your face!"

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

'I want to finish with him, but I'll have to wait until he's made the final payment on my engagement ring.'

'We have irreconcilable differences -- he's a MAN!'

Planned Parenthood: Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

'You can have any opinion you want as long as it's mine.'

"My Twitter account isn't too interesting. It's mostly just a bunch of threats."

'No. It's not a past girlfriend. I'm a tort lawyer.'

"Morning, Brad." "Morning, Angelina."

'I will subject to certain conditions...'

His and Hers.

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

"Marry you? Why I wouldn't even vote to let you into my co-op."

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

'That's his new trophy fishwife.'

"And that's another thing, when did you last take me out ?"

"Can I turn off the game and set the table? Ha, ha! Oh, honey, you are hilarious!"

"You caught it, you probe it."

"I’ll give you my answer in ... just ... one ... minute."

"Every Sunday, the same thing: we watch the ducks from Bow Bridge, I think about pushing you in, and then we go to that stupid Mexican place."

'Since we've been married thirty years, Lester, I think it's time to face up to the fact that we've been seeing too much of each other.'

'You may be the CEO of a large corporation, but at home you're an OMW, observe my whims!'

'The part I like best about sex is when I light a cigarette and say next.'

'I met my wife on Faeces Book.'