Love Satirist Gifts

"It's unconditional love Thursday through Sunday ONLY. It's in the prenup!"

'The wheel was great, but what have you done for me lately?'

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

"She's fine. She just needs some tofu."

Occu-Pie Mars

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

Trump Administration Raising White Flag in Ukraine

"You're fired."

'That's our mission statement.'

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

"'I don't want war'. . . well, wither our translation program is broke or this president has a strange kind of humor!"

UK/US Free Trade Deal

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

Torturing the English Language

"I believe we've found the weakest link."

Do Not Resuscitate

"Boss, the AI is actually smarter than all of us! It read our business forecast, jumped up and ran out laughing!"

We Tenatively Oppose War on Strictly Procedural Grounds

Trump pardons

'I'm judging by your silence Al that you're giving me the green light on the Greenwich project. I just want to say that I admire your leadership. I guess that's why you've been running this company for 20 years.'

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

'His best qualities are circumventing questions and evading answers.'

UK border controls relaxed.

No-Work Orange

This Message Has No Content

"I need a deeper access to his brain. Only google has the records."

'You realize, we can't use the 'benign neglect' method for everything.'

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

Oligarchy

'This country is on the road to ruin.' - 'Well, it'll never get there in this traffic.'