Modern Romance Satirist Gifts

"Speed daters! Say hi within the hour!"

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

I DATED A GUY FROM THE FAIR, BUT . . .

"April Fools'! You should’ve seen the look on your face!"

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

'I want to finish with him, but I'll have to wait until he's made the final payment on my engagement ring.'

"Excuse me, Doc, my attention wandered. What type of deficit disorder did you say I had?"

'We have irreconcilable differences -- he's a MAN!'

Planned Parenthood: Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

"It wasn't a farming accident. She just bit my head off again."

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

'You can have any opinion you want as long as it's mine.'

Snowman Driver

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

"Amazing, eh? Good-looking, dependable, trustworthy, inflatable."

"This mask is a bit of a passion killer. . . !"

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

The finer points of marriage.

'No. It's not a past girlfriend. I'm a tort lawyer.'

"Morning, Brad." "Morning, Angelina."

'I will subject to certain conditions...'

"I hacked into Santa's computer and discovered we're not on his naughty list. I feel we're letting our generation down."

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'

"I never thought I'd get married again."

"Right! It's a heart op, neurosurgery and counselling. And I'll have the Wiz"

His and Hers.

"You've reached Randy, the dating doctor. What ails you?"

"I don't care if it does have wifi. . . it's a vegetable peeler!"

"You can huff and puff all you want. The house is foreclosed and belongs to the bank."

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

'The marriage counseling session didn't help -- she still claims she never saw me before in her life.'

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

'That's his new trophy fishwife.'

"Marry you? Why I wouldn't even vote to let you into my co-op."