Modern Romance Satirist Gifts

"Speed daters! Say hi within the hour!"

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

I DATED A GUY FROM THE FAIR, BUT . . .

"April Fools'! You should’ve seen the look on your face!"

'I want to finish with him, but I'll have to wait until he's made the final payment on my engagement ring.'

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

"Excuse me, Doc, my attention wandered. What type of deficit disorder did you say I had?"

'We have irreconcilable differences -- he's a MAN!'

Planned Parenthood: Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

'You can have any opinion you want as long as it's mine.'

The finer points of marriage.

Snowman Driver

"This mask is a bit of a passion killer. . . !"

"Amazing, eh? Good-looking, dependable, trustworthy, inflatable."

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

'No. It's not a past girlfriend. I'm a tort lawyer.'

"Morning, Brad." "Morning, Angelina."

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'

'The marriage counseling session didn't help -- she still claims she never saw me before in her life.'

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

His and Hers.

"You can huff and puff all you want. The house is foreclosed and belongs to the bank."

"I never thought I'd get married again."

"I don't care if it does have wifi. . . it's a vegetable peeler!"

'I will subject to certain conditions...'

"I hacked into Santa's computer and discovered we're not on his naughty list. I feel we're letting our generation down."

"Right! It's a heart op, neurosurgery and counselling. And I'll have the Wiz"

"You've reached Randy, the dating doctor. What ails you?"

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

"Marry you? Why I wouldn't even vote to let you into my co-op."

'That's his new trophy fishwife.'

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."