Romantic Satirists Gifts

'Yes, Mr. Humbolt, I found evidence your mistress is cheating on you with her husband.'

Occu-Pie Mars

They're Not Just That Into It

Vote Centrist to Keep Things Exactly as Awful as They Are

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

This next song goes out to the girl who stole my heart and my guitar.

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

"International best seller! It's just a squirrel."

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

"You look so beautiful, glistening in the moonlight."

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

Tunnel of Like.

"Thanks for calling it skinnydipping."

'I love you, Howard, but let's not jump to conclusions.'

"I think it was good for me. Was it good for you?"

It's not what's outside that interests me. It's what's inside!

"Oh, say you can't see, any conflicts of interest in me! What's good for my brand, is now the law of the land! And the crooked media's nasty glare, my killer tweets bursting in air... Gave proof to the news cycle, that I'm so awesome it's almost unfair!..

'For the last time, Butchie, I love you but I'm not in love with you.'

Antiwar Democrats Get Tough

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"Morning, sir. We've received reports that you've been wielding an inappropriate attitude without a permit."

The finer points of marriage.

"Or...we could suggest a three-way."

The stone is semi-precious, so I got you two.

Dating in 2020

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

'It's hard finding a caring,sensitive and good looking man. Most of them already have boyfriends.'

William Makepeace Thackeray.

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

Homophone Encounter

"This mask is a bit of a passion killer. . . !"

'No. It's not a past girlfriend. I'm a tort lawyer.'

"I never turn into a prince on a first date."

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

'I hear they wrote their own vows.'