Modern Love Satirist Gifts

"You're wonderful, Kimberly, and I want to be married, but I'm looking for a complete unknown."

'You'll marry me? Really? Then forget it! I can't be with someone who's standards are that low!'

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

"Excuse me, Doc, my attention wandered. What type of deficit disorder did you say I had?"

David Niven caricature

"This mask is a bit of a passion killer. . . !"

The finer points of marriage.

"Amazing, eh? Good-looking, dependable, trustworthy, inflatable."

"You didn't seriously think that one does one's own huffing and puffing these days, did you?"

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

Snowman Driver

'No. It's not a past girlfriend. I'm a tort lawyer.'

"I don't care if it does have wifi. . . it's a vegetable peeler!"

"Right! It's a heart op, neurosurgery and counselling. And I'll have the Wiz"

"You've reached Randy, the dating doctor. What ails you?"

"It's not what you think."

"You can huff and puff all you want. The house is foreclosed and belongs to the bank."

"I hacked into Santa's computer and discovered we're not on his naughty list. I feel we're letting our generation down."

"I never thought I'd get married again."

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

'The marriage counseling session didn't help -- she still claims she never saw me before in her life.'

"I hear Presbyterian is the new Methodist."

"O.K., but let's say you have up to six hundred intruders per minute."

"Jeremy sits in his hi-tech car all day and telecommutes from our driveway."

'What's the antidote for espresso?'

'When I think of all the men I could've married...'

'I'm just updating my Facebook profile.'

Frank's (Littleknown) Bird Sanctuary.

"In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen episodes."

"Sorry I'm late... I was getting our date approved by my lawyer."

Litigious Bo Peep

Spark Notes Wedding Vows

"Speed daters! Say hi within the hour!"