Modern Love Satirist Gifts

"You're wonderful, Kimberly, and I want to be married, but I'm looking for a complete unknown."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

"Excuse me, Doc, my attention wandered. What type of deficit disorder did you say I had?"

David Niven caricature

"You didn't seriously think that one does one's own huffing and puffing these days, did you?"

"Amazing, eh? Good-looking, dependable, trustworthy, inflatable."

"This mask is a bit of a passion killer. . . !"

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

The finer points of marriage.

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

Snowman Driver

'No. It's not a past girlfriend. I'm a tort lawyer.'

"You've reached Randy, the dating doctor. What ails you?"

'The marriage counseling session didn't help -- she still claims she never saw me before in her life.'

"I don't care if it does have wifi. . . it's a vegetable peeler!"

"It's not what you think."

"You can huff and puff all you want. The house is foreclosed and belongs to the bank."

"I never thought I'd get married again."

"Right! It's a heart op, neurosurgery and counselling. And I'll have the Wiz"

"I hacked into Santa's computer and discovered we're not on his naughty list. I feel we're letting our generation down."

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

"I hear Presbyterian is the new Methodist."

"O.K., but let's say you have up to six hundred intruders per minute."

'When I think of all the men I could've married...'

"In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen episodes."

"Sorry I'm late... I was getting our date approved by my lawyer."

'What's the antidote for espresso?'

Spark Notes Wedding Vows

"Speed daters! Say hi within the hour!"

"Jeremy sits in his hi-tech car all day and telecommutes from our driveway."

'Don't you have anything more recent? I've already read what you just confessed on your blog.'

"We will now observe a moment of silently checking our BlackBerrys."