Modern Relationships Satirist Gifts

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

I DATED A GUY FROM THE FAIR, BUT . . .

"April Fools'! You should’ve seen the look on your face!"

'I want to finish with him, but I'll have to wait until he's made the final payment on my engagement ring.'

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

"Excuse me, Doc, my attention wandered. What type of deficit disorder did you say I had?"

'We have irreconcilable differences -- he's a MAN!'

Planned Parenthood: Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

'You can have any opinion you want as long as it's mine.'

'Silly me. I thought his 'Catch and Release' bumper sticker referred to his philosophy on trout fishing.'

Snowman Driver

The finer points of marriage.

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

"Morning, Brad." "Morning, Angelina."

'I will subject to certain conditions...'

'Congratulations, you're now man and wife. You may club the bride. '

His and Hers.

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

"I never thought I'd get married again."

"I don't care if it does have wifi. . . it's a vegetable peeler!"

Suddenly it occurred to Justin that rose petals might have been more romantic.

'The marriage counseling session didn't help -- she still claims she never saw me before in her life.'

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

"Marry you? Why I wouldn't even vote to let you into my co-op."

'That's his new trophy fishwife.'

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

"Can I turn off the game and set the table? Ha, ha! Oh, honey, you are hilarious!"

'Since we've been married thirty years, Lester, I think it's time to face up to the fact that we've been seeing too much of each other.'