Relationship Satirists Gifts

'No, I won't marry you, Steve, but here's a participation trophy.'

"Till death do we part. So technically, you and I are no longer married."

"I'm getting a divorce."

"You needn't be scared of my husband catching us here. He'd never come to a dump like this."

"Well this is awkward!"

"It's not what it seems."

"How did you come to the conclusion that some people are better suited for single life?"

Shipwrecked Couple

Wife leaves note in the toast rack - I've left you.

'All right, I admit it. I have been seeing another woman.'

Let's get married in the morning...then if it doesn't work out, we haven't blown the entire day.

'God knows where you libido went!'

"You reckon Winterbottom is still in the clutches of that impossible female?"

King being shouted at by Queen.

"It's been over for a while now. I caught him trying to fertilize some catfish eggs in June."

'I'd invite you in, but really, this is a stranger's house I'm entering just to get away from you.'

Preventing the Discovery of an Affair

"I swear, the only decent men around here are either married...or gay...or they're one of my ex-husbands!"

"I know that on-line dating service claims a 90% success rate, but let's face it, Henry, we're in that other ten percent!"

'How about swapping?' - 'No thanks. But you could have two wives if you like.'

A bed of nails deflates a fakir's a blow up doll.

"...and to my mistress, Veronica, I leave my boyfriend, Garth."

"Women! Am I right?"

I had hoped to file a missing persons report by now, but he won't leave.

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, What do you think of younger men? -kl. *(Actual reader letter) Ask Sadie at rudy@rudypark.com. Depends. Younger men have strong jaws and rock-hard abs, but they're missing the sexiest thing: they're not crotchety jerks, set in their ways, willing to argue about anything and say totally stupid things. Hey, doesn't that foul old wretch realize I've got rock-hard abs and a steel jaw?! (This cartoon was originally published on 2014-07-12)

I'm tired of dating men with a fear of commitment. Relax. My only fear of commitment is the padded-cell variety.

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"I just love the way you're so endlessly inventive in the bedroom."

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

I DATED A GUY FROM THE FAIR, BUT . . .

'Well, thanks, but we have no need of a Divorce Lawyer: We're Lovebirds you see...'