Relationship Satirist Gifts

"Look, I can't promise I'll change, but I can promise I'll pretend to change."

'Didn't you get my e-mail'

'It may be evolution to you, but I call it 'avoidance of intimacy issues!'

"I don't hate him because he's black. I hate him because he's my husband."

"First marriage?"

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

"I'm sorry, I think we're just moving at different speeds."

'I discovered my marriage was based solely on trust - the $450,000 trust fund my grandparents left me.'

'No, I don't remember asking you to move in with me. Not only that, I don't remember who you are!'

"Happy Earth Day, honey."

"Dear, do you think you may have become too comfortable with your masculinity?"

'My husband is a very large, loud and obnoxious man. OK, sure, I tried to hire a hit man. But just to hit him.'

'Don't look at is as losing a duaghter, look at is as gaining an aging milionaire.'

'I finally remarried. You've been in a coma for almost three days.'

'You've done something with your hair, right?'

'Anyway, enough about you. Let's talk about me.'

'Will you marry me? It's for a good cause.' -He was such a charity case.

"I need a gift for my new daughter-in-law... ou know, the one who stone my son from me!"

'You can have any opinion you want as long as it's mine.'

'That's his new trophy fishwife.'

'Don't do it! That wine bottle is full of antioxidants!'

"I guess my wife couldn't make it."

"Really, Bob? You sent a drone to break up with me?!"

Car with 'Just refinanced our marriage'.

"Morning, Brad." "Morning, Angelina."

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

"Good news, hon - I've sold the ancillary rights to our marriage."

"I'm leaving you David, I need my own space"

"I married for love. I divorced for money."

'This book is really fascinating darling.'

"Why, thank you dear – I suppose five gallons of gas is a thoughtful birthday gift."

"Marry you? Why I wouldn't even vote to let you into my co-op."

He sometimes wondered if his new trophy wife was just after his money. (Towels read 'kin' and 'next of kin').

'And he's always accusing me of flirting with every man I meet.'

'We have irreconcilable differences -- he's a MAN!'