Dating Disaster Chuckler Pillows

'Big date tonight, but I've just shed an antler: Do you have superglue?'

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"I asked for a bottle of something that would make men drool over me. This is bourbon."

"Good evening, I'm your date. Let me begin by saying I'm sorry I'm late, I'm sorry I'm bald and I'm sorry I'm short."

"The dinner date was a disaster! I realised he was still a "Mama's Boy" when I saw he was expecting me to regurgitate his food..."

Colin had heard that women liked honesty in men.

'When we were first married, he was all 'Cock-A-Doodle-Do.' Now, he's just 'Cock-A-Doodle-Don't.''

'If the opposite sex insisted on devouring YOUR head and laying thousands of eggs in YOUR carcass, then perhaps celibacy wouldn't seem like such an unreasonable lifestyle option!'

"My love for you knows no bounds, Trish."

Gimme a hot chocolate. On the rocks. Straight. Lady troubles? And how. Old Mr. Mort told me if I wanted to appeal to the ladies, I should watch some old black and white movies and do what those guys do. So I started jogging downstairs sideways like Cary Grant. I said "see!" after every sentence like James Cagney. I ran in place and yelled "whoop-whoop-whoop!" like Curly. All the girls loved it. But now I have four playdates scheduled at the same time! Not at all where I thought that was going.

'My Mother makes me wear this - It's my name and address in case I get lost.'

"Damn. The minute I eat a stink bug, in walks Mr. Wonderful!..."

Another last "first date" for Daphne "...and here's kitty peeking out of a shoe box. Oh! And here he is playing with a dead birdie! Oh how cute! Here's Kitty looking around a corner! And..."

"I walked up to this hot girl with two drinks in my hands, and she turned to me, smiled and said, are you lost, Grandpa? The toilets are back there."

'And thank you for a lovely evening!'

I'm an investor. My star sign is predator.

"Sorry, I don't date older men."

I always strike out on blind dates

Duncan made a real faux pas when he heard that his blind date was expecting a baby.

Tom suspected the date wasn't going as well as he'd hoped when she asked for the Emergency exit.

"It's true, of course, that I'm just a machine, but I do have a built-in vibrator."

"How come I always pick the bastards?"

"Besides it having no atmosphere, this restaurant seems to have a very bad attitude."

'I know you've heard about how we roosters get around, but believe me, I'm a one-chicken guy.'

'Hand me your issue of esquire. I have a hot date.'

Twenty thousand leagues out of his league

"Actually, in my younger days, I was really a Wildman."

Worst. Mating all. Ever.

A young man creating an awkward silence

'You give me goose bumps.'

It's Saturday night. You're watching the Dateless Channel.

"I always thought you'd look great, covered in spiders."

'Talk about a disastrous blind date: A quick look at her teeth told me she was a lot older than she said...'