Relationship Chuckler Pillows

'When we were first married, he was all 'Cock-A-Doodle-Do.' Now, he's just 'Cock-A-Doodle-Don't.''

Life is for the birds.

"First date hairball... awkward."

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

'Big date tonight, but I've just shed an antler: Do you have superglue?'

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

Reading the sports pages.

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

"If you think I ride too fast, Susan...just say so!"

...My feng shui would be incompatible with your sumo wrestling.

"Open a wine that will make me want to watch the shows you want to watch."

"It's Doris Kearns Goodwin. Is there anything we'd like to know about the Presidency?"

"You don't sniff my butt anymore."

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

Aging Problems

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'I'm sorry Timmy, but if I keep going for help, you'll never learn to take care of yourself,'

Darwin first tested his theory in a letter to a magazine ('Lookalike' letter points to similarity between man and ape.)

'...and another thing - why do I always have to sleep in the wet spot?'

"When Butcher Bob gets back from lunch this one is getting a vasectomy."

'Could you scoot your chair over this way a little dear?'

'What d'you mean, I never take you anywhere-who took you to the Festival of Britain?'

'Roger, you're just a Rooster and I'm just a Hen. Is all of this necessary?'

"Well that's the last of our offspring gone - let battle commence."

'Have you beed seeing other females?'

Missing Persons - "50 years old, 16 stone and bad tempered... Are you sure you want her back?"

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"You knew I was high maintenance when we met."