Relationship Laughs Pillows

"Leave room for sex."

Life is for the birds.

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"First date hairball... awkward."

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

Reading the sports pages.

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"That was Copernicus on the phone – he says you're NOT the centre of the universe!"

'Adam, you left the toilet rock up again!'

"If you think I ride too fast, Susan...just say so!"

"My wife says she wants you to make me fit for purpose."

...My feng shui would be incompatible with your sumo wrestling.

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

"Open a wine that will make me want to watch the shows you want to watch."

"You don't sniff my butt anymore."

"It's Doris Kearns Goodwin. Is there anything we'd like to know about the Presidency?"

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

'Admit it, you've been laughing behind my back ever since 1957 when we went in that hall of mirrors in Skegness!'

Aging Problems

' You're wonderful.' 'I know.'

'Roger, you're just a Rooster and I'm just a Hen. Is all of this necessary?'

"He was a rescue."

Missing Persons - "50 years old, 16 stone and bad tempered... Are you sure you want her back?"