Relationship Laughs Gifts

"Leave room for sex."

Life is for the birds.

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"First date hairball... awkward."

Hello. I'm Ferdinand. I'll be monitoring the levels of bull at your table this evening. Menu. Menu.

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

Reading the sports pages.

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

"My wife says she wants you to make me fit for purpose."

...My feng shui would be incompatible with your sumo wrestling.

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"That was Copernicus on the phone – he says you're NOT the centre of the universe!"

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

'Adam, you left the toilet rock up again!'

"If you think I ride too fast, Susan...just say so!"

Early man wasn't exactly enthusiastic about the development of language.

"Open a wine that will make me want to watch the shows you want to watch."

"You don't sniff my butt anymore."

"It's Doris Kearns Goodwin. Is there anything we'd like to know about the Presidency?"

Aging Problems

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

'Admit it, you've been laughing behind my back ever since 1957 when we went in that hall of mirrors in Skegness!'

Debbie greatly misinterpreted the marriage counselor's suggestion that she and Tom have a monthly 'date night.'

' You're wonderful.' 'I know.'

'What d'you mean, I never take you anywhere-who took you to the Festival of Britain?'

Missing Persons - "50 years old, 16 stone and bad tempered... Are you sure you want her back?"