Customer Service Survivor Gifts

"She's asking if it's fresh-squeezed. Should I tell her to f**k off?"

Complaints about how we handled your complaint.

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

'It allows you to run every day, rain or shine. Even if it breaks down, just call us ? we'll give you the runaround.'

'I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it, sir, but we don't give refunds.'

'No, I'm sorry, the HVAC engineer isn't here ... No, I'm not sure when he'll be back? Would you like to be put on hold?'

"When were you thinking of trying to get us to call, luv?"

"Your call is important to us."

'Your call is important to us but so are our mocha lattes. Stay on the line. We will be with you shortly.'

'Sorry, no refunds. Didn't you read our fine print in Sanskrit about our return policy?'

"No, this is the department for obfuscation, hindrance, confusion and prevarication...you want the department for sophistry, incomprehension, fudging and evasiveness!!"

'We would like to exchange this please.'

'Just before we discuss your eligibility for a refund, are you absolutely sure that you read all the fine-print?'

"Ed Pierce is here to see you sir, and remember, it's unprofessional to roll your eyes."

'Of course I care, madam!'

"Let me just ask your on question, madam—have you been doing unto the product as you would have the product do unto you?"

Patronising Department

"Due to heavy call volume, your wait time will be six years."

They said they'll escalate my call.

Incompetence treatment center

"Hey, have you heard the one about the broken dishwasher, the irate customer, and the 'I don't give a damn' customer service?"

"I am in costume. I'm the annoying tech-support guy who puts you on hold 10 times, then transfers you to someone who accidentally hangs up on you."

"You're home from work now Dear, you can go back on your default setting."

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

Do not feed the clerks.

"You can stop holding sir, everyone has gone home."

'Oh, it's about what I expected...I'm on hold for eternity to some tech rep in India.'

'Oi, do you mind, trying to speak to my colleague - two self service tills having a chat together.'

'There's supposed to be 56 million bubbles in a bottle of Champagne -- I only counted 54, 325,775.'

'You'll have to excuse her - being on hold with Disneyland Paris has sent her goofy...'

'Just be thankful that you've got your health.'

'If you want me to stop at any point just shout the release code.' - 'Okay.' - 'The release code is 'A729YXF9'' - 'What?!' - 'Incoming! Heh, heh!' - 'Argh! A2Y... No... Argh!!! A9X72...' -

'The hold music will return after the following pledge drive...'

Complaint clerk presses button to drop customer through trap door

Murder in the Complaints Department