Customer Support Survivor Gifts

'To figuratively pound your fist into a wall in frustration because you've reached a pre-recorded message, press the 'pound' key. That's what it's for.'

"It was terrifying experience being faced with that kind of compulsive, insane behaviour...I tell you it's positively the last time I put foot in the sales!"

'I clawed my way to the top and then I clawed my way back to the middle.'

"Wrong window. I’m a sea lion. You need an otter."

"This controls the speed, this opens the door and if you press the red button a maintenance man appears and gives you a very large bill"

"Ed Pierce is here to see you sir, and remember, it's unprofessional to roll your eyes."

'If you want to hear the ocean, press one.'

'Waiter, there's a drone in my soup.'

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

Do not feed the clerks.

"He told me I was a flip phone expected to do a smart phone job."

'No tipping please.'

"Help, I'm being micro managed."

'Oi, do you mind, trying to speak to my colleague - two self service tills having a chat together.'

"After giving them the runaround for five minutes, pass them on to anger management."

'Excuse me, but is there any chance of finding me a decaffeinated clerk?'

"Before you speak to the manager, we want to congratulate you on being our one millionth irate customer."

"Unfortunately, our user-friendly toaster is warranty-unfriendly!"

"If you think my service is bad. . . wait 'til you taste the food!"

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

'Oh, it's about what I expected...I'm on hold for eternity to some tech rep in India.'

Complaints about how we handled your complaint.

'No, I'm sorry, the HVAC engineer isn't here ... No, I'm not sure when he'll be back? Would you like to be put on hold?'

'A telemarketing call for you, Sir.'

"No, this is the department for obfuscation, hindrance, confusion and prevarication...you want the department for sophistry, incomprehension, fudging and evasiveness!!"

'Of course I care, madam!'

"There - now it's a mashed potato. Anything else?"

'Our customer service was lousy, but from now on, we'll give the personal touch. Let's write to 'Hey lassies and dudes, what's up?'

"Any chance of some credit?"

"You're home from work now Dear, you can go back on your default setting."

'There's supposed to be 56 million bubbles in a bottle of Champagne -- I only counted 54, 325,775.'

"My name's Karezog, Despoiler of Worlds, Devourer of Souls. I'll be your server tonight."

"Relax―all I want is a good table."

"Sorry for the delay, sir - the 'catch of the day' turned on us."

'On behalf of our cabin crew who have voted in favour of strike action over Christmas. . . kindly fill out this form. Please send us your questions and comments about how the strike has effected your plans, ruined your holiday. . .'