Support Line Survivor Gifts

'For an English translation of what the tech support person says, press 2...'

"To return to the original menu say say 'Goddam son of a bitch!'"

'Time for your pills.'

'A representative will be with you in twelve minutes... so, if you have to go to the bathroom, please go now...'

'If you want to hear the ocean, press one.'

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

That's weird - every time I call the self-help hotline, it goes straight to my voicemail.

B.O.H.I.C.A. Memorial

Due to higher-than-usual caller volume, your wait-time is nine minutes. That's over an hour in wolverine minutes.

Tax grab.

'You've waited on hold 45 minutes just to speak to my boss? Seriously, sir, get a life!'

"To hear the sounds of the seas press 1, for all other options, or, to speak with a customer advisor, please press 2."

'A telemarketing call for you, Sir.'

"The lines are a bit slow today...so here's something to help pass the time!"

'Thank you for calling the IRS... Press one for laughter in the background, press two for crying in the background.'

"Is this the queue for Funworld?"

'The hospital food was terrible, but the savings were substantial.'

On hold, Rick listens to "As Time Goes By" over and over again.

"In the time I’ve been on hold with this collection agency, my debt has been bought and sold to another collection agency!"

Workaholics anonymous

'I'll be right with you as soon as I feed Buzzy.'

White flag being waved through the door of the Internal Revenue Service.

'The good news is the airline was trying to skimp on fuel, and no terrorists were involved.'t

'And just FYI, I was a caterpillar when you first put me on hold!'

'You've stayed on hold for 20 minutes? Oh, dear! You'd better make an appointment with Dr. Willems to work on your self-esteem.'

'We got your test results back. Read it and weep.' Bedside bloopers

"That which doesn't kill you might give you stomach trouble."

"Yes I DO mind being put on hold! I only have a two week life span."

"I think I see your problem."

"If you would like to listen to music while you are on hold press 1, If you would like some quiet time to work out how much this call is costing press 2, if...."

"Your car warranty is about to expire..."

'Relax - this is only tax hell.'

'Dr. Jekyll, how well do you know this Mr. Hyde who prepared your taxes?'

"If you are angry at being kept on hold, press 1, if you are furious press 2, if you are apoplectic with rage ..."

If you would be willing to take a short survey at the end of this call, press "1". If you would like to risk being punished for not taking the survey by being kept on hold for an extra 10 minutes, press "2."