Telephone Survivor Gifts

'You've stayed on hold for 20 minutes? Oh, dear! You'd better make an appointment with Dr. Willems to work on your self-esteem.'

My phone is synced with my tablet, my tablet is synced with my laptop ... but none of them are synced with me."

'A representative will be with you in twelve minutes... so, if you have to go to the bathroom, please go now...'

'If you want to hear the ocean, press one.'

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

"....To hear those options again, press the pound sign, or click your heels three times to return to the main menu."

'While on hold, press #1 for classical music. Press #2 for rock music. Press #3 for country music. Press #4 for...'

Due to higher-than-usual caller volume, your wait-time is nine minutes. That's over an hour in wolverine minutes.

'Technology hasn't saved me any money. I'm now supporting those relatives of mine they replaced.'

"To hear the sounds of the seas press 1, for all other options, or, to speak with a customer advisor, please press 2."

'You've waited on hold 45 minutes just to speak to my boss? Seriously, sir, get a life!'

"... Or, if you're tired of listening to all of these automated options and would like to cancel your call, press 9."

"Even though I'm a robot with robot with no emotions, all these telemarketing calls I'm getting is starting to get on my nerves."

"Is this the queue for Funworld?"

"It's a robocall, should I take it?"

"I hope you don't think that music while I waited soothed me."

'Your last tech job offered generous options? So do we: Take it or leave it.'

"In the time I’ve been on hold with this collection agency, my debt has been bought and sold to another collection agency!"

'Please... take... a... moment... to... complete... our... brief... survey... to... help... improve... customer... satisfaction... '

'And just FYI, I was a caterpillar when you first put me on hold!'

"Your car warranty is about to expire..."

"If you would like to listen to music while you are on hold press 1, If you would like some quiet time to work out how much this call is costing press 2, if...."

'Not another powerpoint sermon!'

"No one whose name is pronounced that way lives here."

"Car insurance?? - No thanks!"

"I only wish this was the final notice."

STRIP Hambone: Living in the box the computer who replaced him came in

"Your meeting's over. You can relax you zoom face now."

Education Payroll: 'We're trying to resolve your salary problem or, at the very east, put you on hold for th rest of the day.'

'Funny how talking to an automated voice system makes YOU sound like the robot.'

"If you are angry at being kept on hold, press 1, if you are furious press 2, if you are apoplectic with rage ..."

"To be honest I thought Hades would be Hellfire, Brimstone and eternal suffering....but this is way worse!!"

"Hi this is Mario...is this Sergio Bermudez? Are you interested in buying..."

If you would be willing to take a short survey at the end of this call, press "1". If you would like to risk being punished for not taking the survey by being kept on hold for an extra 10 minutes, press "2."

I'm comfort breaking my ass off here!