Phone Call Survivors Gifts

I believe I'm on the national "Do Not Call" list. Oh, that's all right, sir. We're on the national "We Don't Care" list.

"Your car warranty is about to expire..."

'A representative will be with you in twelve minutes... so, if you have to go to the bathroom, please go now...'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

'If you want to hear the ocean, press one.'

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

"They're out to get me... I keep getting phone calls that say 'spam risk'."

'You've waited on hold 45 minutes just to speak to my boss? Seriously, sir, get a life!'

"To hear the sounds of the seas press 1, for all other options, or, to speak with a customer advisor, please press 2."

'While on hold, press #1 for classical music. Press #2 for rock music. Press #3 for country music. Press #4 for...'

Due to higher-than-usual caller volume, your wait-time is nine minutes. That's over an hour in wolverine minutes.

'A telemarketing call for you, Sir.'

"It was just a near-death experience, but while you're here, would you help me with this computer?"

"... Or, if you're tired of listening to all of these automated options and would like to cancel your call, press 9."

"Heading back to the office after a year of daily zoom meetings."

"In the time I’ve been on hold with this collection agency, my debt has been bought and sold to another collection agency!"

"I hope you don't think that music while I waited soothed me."

'And just FYI, I was a caterpillar when you first put me on hold!'

'Not another powerpoint sermon!'

"Faked by a snake selling rakes."

'You've stayed on hold for 20 minutes? Oh, dear! You'd better make an appointment with Dr. Willems to work on your self-esteem.'

"If you would like to listen to music while you are on hold press 1, If you would like some quiet time to work out how much this call is costing press 2, if...."

"Your meeting's over. You can relax you zoom face now."

Education Payroll: 'We're trying to resolve your salary problem or, at the very east, put you on hold for th rest of the day.'

If you would be willing to take a short survey at the end of this call, press "1". If you would like to risk being punished for not taking the survey by being kept on hold for an extra 10 minutes, press "2."

'Funny how talking to an automated voice system makes YOU sound like the robot.'

"If you are angry at being kept on hold, press 1, if you are furious press 2, if you are apoplectic with rage ..."

Reverend Quinby visits the holdy land

Ten Months Later

Evolution of Zoom

"Woopsee! Wrong button. And after you got through all those menus, too! Too bad. Good luck next time! hahaha!"

"This is a support group for phone victims. Frank butt dialed. Bib drunk dialed, Anne there talked bad about someone, but didn't realize she hadn't hung up..."

'This call may be monitored for training purposes, and you'll understand why when the tech can't answer your questions.'

"Hello, Mr. Gottlieb of Acme Telemarketing? Oh, did I interrupt your dinner...?"

'I'm sorry, but I never buy anything from 'cold callers'.'