Phone Call Horror Survivor Gifts

"... Or, if you're tired of listening to all of these automated options and would like to cancel your call, press 9."

'A representative will be with you in twelve minutes... so, if you have to go to the bathroom, please go now...'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

'If you want to hear the ocean, press one.'

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

'You've waited on hold 45 minutes just to speak to my boss? Seriously, sir, get a life!'

"To hear the sounds of the seas press 1, for all other options, or, to speak with a customer advisor, please press 2."

'While on hold, press #1 for classical music. Press #2 for rock music. Press #3 for country music. Press #4 for...'

'A telemarketing call for you, Sir.'

"It was just a near-death experience, but while you're here, would you help me with this computer?"

"I'm sorry – you have the wrong language."

"Heading back to the office after a year of daily zoom meetings."

"In the time I’ve been on hold with this collection agency, my debt has been bought and sold to another collection agency!"

"I hope you don't think that music while I waited soothed me."

'And just FYI, I was a caterpillar when you first put me on hold!'

"Faked by a snake selling rakes."

"If you would like to listen to music while you are on hold press 1, If you would like some quiet time to work out how much this call is costing press 2, if...."

'You've stayed on hold for 20 minutes? Oh, dear! You'd better make an appointment with Dr. Willems to work on your self-esteem.'

"Your car warranty is about to expire..."

"Your meeting's over. You can relax you zoom face now."

Education Payroll: 'We're trying to resolve your salary problem or, at the very east, put you on hold for th rest of the day.'

'Hey, gotta run. I feel strange talking on my phone.'

"If you are angry at being kept on hold, press 1, if you are furious press 2, if you are apoplectic with rage ..."

Reverend Quinby visits the holdy land

'Funny how talking to an automated voice system makes YOU sound like the robot.'

Ten Months Later

Evolution of Zoom

"Woopsee! Wrong button. And after you got through all those menus, too! Too bad. Good luck next time! hahaha!"

'This call may be monitored for training purposes, and you'll understand why when the tech can't answer your questions.'

'I'm sorry, but I never buy anything from 'cold callers'.'

Callers of an impatient or grumpy disposition may widh to hang up at this stage.

"Hello, Mr. Gottlieb of Acme Telemarketing? Oh, did I interrupt your dinner...?"