Phone Rage Survivor Gifts

"I hope you don't think that music while I waited soothed me."

All of our representatives are busy right now. Stay on the line and someone will be with you in a few miles.

'I know it's overdue but I've been in Intensive Care.'

'A representative will be with you in twelve minutes... so, if you have to go to the bathroom, please go now...'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

'If you want to hear the ocean, press one.'

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

Have Horns Venn

"Doctor, your client with the multiple personality disorder, is on lines one, two, three and four."

"They're out to get me... I keep getting phone calls that say 'spam risk'."

'Miss Baxter, bring me another computer.'

"To hear the sounds of the seas press 1, for all other options, or, to speak with a customer advisor, please press 2."

Due to higher-than-usual caller volume, your wait-time is nine minutes. That's over an hour in wolverine minutes.

'While on hold, press #1 for classical music. Press #2 for rock music. Press #3 for country music. Press #4 for...'

"... Or, if you're tired of listening to all of these automated options and would like to cancel your call, press 9."

"This program really isn't user friendly."

"In the time I’ve been on hold with this collection agency, my debt has been bought and sold to another collection agency!"

Telephone Phobics Society

'And just FYI, I was a caterpillar when you first put me on hold!'

"The air I breathe is filthy..."

'Not another powerpoint sermon!'

"Your car warranty is about to expire..."

'You've stayed on hold for 20 minutes? Oh, dear! You'd better make an appointment with Dr. Willems to work on your self-esteem.'

"No one whose name is pronounced that way lives here."

"If you would like to listen to music while you are on hold press 1, If you would like some quiet time to work out how much this call is costing press 2, if...."

"Your meeting's over. You can relax you zoom face now."

Education Payroll: 'We're trying to resolve your salary problem or, at the very east, put you on hold for th rest of the day.'

If you would be willing to take a short survey at the end of this call, press "1". If you would like to risk being punished for not taking the survey by being kept on hold for an extra 10 minutes, press "2."

"If you are angry at being kept on hold, press 1, if you are furious press 2, if you are apoplectic with rage ..."

Ten Months Later

"Woopsee! Wrong button. And after you got through all those menus, too! Too bad. Good luck next time! hahaha!"

"This is a support group for phone victims. Frank butt dialed. Bib drunk dialed, Anne there talked bad about someone, but didn't realize she hadn't hung up..."

Voice Jail

'This call may be monitored for training purposes, and you'll understand why when the tech can't answer your questions.'

"Zoomed for five hours and my smile seized up."