Call Center Survivors Gifts

Callers of an impatient or grumpy disposition may widh to hang up at this stage.

'I clawed my way to the top and then I clawed my way back to the middle.'

'A representative will be with you in twelve minutes... so, if you have to go to the bathroom, please go now...'

"Ed Pierce is here to see you sir, and remember, it's unprofessional to roll your eyes."

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

'If you want to hear the ocean, press one.'

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

Do not feed the clerks.

"He told me I was a flip phone expected to do a smart phone job."

"They're out to get me... I keep getting phone calls that say 'spam risk'."

"Help, I'm being micro managed."

'Oi, do you mind, trying to speak to my colleague - two self service tills having a chat together.'

"After giving them the runaround for five minutes, pass them on to anger management."

'Excuse me, but is there any chance of finding me a decaffeinated clerk?'

Due to higher-than-usual caller volume, your wait-time is nine minutes. That's over an hour in wolverine minutes.

"To hear the sounds of the seas press 1, for all other options, or, to speak with a customer advisor, please press 2."

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

"Unfortunately, our user-friendly toaster is warranty-unfriendly!"

'You've waited on hold 45 minutes just to speak to my boss? Seriously, sir, get a life!'

'Oh, it's about what I expected...I'm on hold for eternity to some tech rep in India.'

Complaints about how we handled your complaint.

'No, I'm sorry, the HVAC engineer isn't here ... No, I'm not sure when he'll be back? Would you like to be put on hold?'

'A telemarketing call for you, Sir.'

"No, this is the department for obfuscation, hindrance, confusion and prevarication...you want the department for sophistry, incomprehension, fudging and evasiveness!!"

"It was just a near-death experience, but while you're here, would you help me with this computer?"

'Of course I care, madam!'

"My name's Karezog, Despoiler of Worlds, Devourer of Souls. I'll be your server tonight."

"You're home from work now Dear, you can go back on your default setting."

'There's supposed to be 56 million bubbles in a bottle of Champagne -- I only counted 54, 325,775.'

"... Or, if you're tired of listening to all of these automated options and would like to cancel your call, press 9."

"She's asking if it's fresh-squeezed. Should I tell her to f**k off?"

'And why do you want a refund on that calendar?'

"I'm just basking in the glow of my not screwing anything up today."

"You can stop holding sir, everyone has gone home."