Call Centre Survivor Gifts

'Funny how talking to an automated voice system makes YOU sound like the robot.'

'A representative will be with you in twelve minutes... so, if you have to go to the bathroom, please go now...'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

'If you want to hear the ocean, press one.'

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

"To hear the sounds of the seas press 1, for all other options, or, to speak with a customer advisor, please press 2."

'While on hold, press #1 for classical music. Press #2 for rock music. Press #3 for country music. Press #4 for...'

'You've waited on hold 45 minutes just to speak to my boss? Seriously, sir, get a life!'

'A telemarketing call for you, Sir.'

"It was just a near-death experience, but while you're here, would you help me with this computer?"

"... Or, if you're tired of listening to all of these automated options and would like to cancel your call, press 9."

"In the time I’ve been on hold with this collection agency, my debt has been bought and sold to another collection agency!"

'And just FYI, I was a caterpillar when you first put me on hold!'

"If you would like to listen to music while you are on hold press 1, If you would like some quiet time to work out how much this call is costing press 2, if...."

'You've stayed on hold for 20 minutes? Oh, dear! You'd better make an appointment with Dr. Willems to work on your self-esteem.'

"Your car warranty is about to expire..."

"Faked by a snake selling rakes."

"Your meeting's over. You can relax you zoom face now."

"If you are angry at being kept on hold, press 1, if you are furious press 2, if you are apoplectic with rage ..."

Reverend Quinby visits the holdy land

Ten Months Later

'For an English translation of what the tech support person says, press 2...'

"Woopsee! Wrong button. And after you got through all those menus, too! Too bad. Good luck next time! hahaha!"

'This call may be monitored for training purposes, and you'll understand why when the tech can't answer your questions.'

Callers of an impatient or grumpy disposition may widh to hang up at this stage.

"Hello, Mr. Gottlieb of Acme Telemarketing? Oh, did I interrupt your dinner...?"

'Yes I'll hold - but only to Greensleeves.'

'I'm sorry, but I never buy anything from 'cold callers'.'

'This call may be monitored in order to determine your breaking point.'

"Your call may be monitored to give us all a laugh . . . please enter your 23 digit telephone banking code followed by your 14 digit account no and your 24 digit security code. . ."

"Zoomed for five hours and my smile seized up."

'For our staff's amusement, this call may be recorded.'