Call Center Survivor Gifts

"Woopsee! Wrong button. And after you got through all those menus, too! Too bad. Good luck next time! hahaha!"

'You've been on hold for two days...hang up!'

'And just FYI, I was a caterpillar when you first put me on hold!'

'This call may be monitored for training purposes, and you'll understand why when the tech can't answer your questions.'

"Press one to speak in English with a non-English speaking customer service representative..."

"I had to take a plane to here so I could remind you that you have me on hold."

"In the time I’ve been on hold with this collection agency, my debt has been bought and sold to another collection agency!"

"Due to unusually high wish volume, you may experience a greater hold time than usual. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause."

'This call may be monitored in order to determine your breaking point.'

"If you want to talk to a real person, hang up and call your mother!"

'If you want to hear the ocean, press one.'

'For our staff's amusement, this call may be recorded.'

"If you are angry at being kept on hold, press 1, if you are furious press 2, if you are apoplectic with rage ..."

"If you would like to listen to music while you are on hold press 1, If you would like some quiet time to work out how much this call is costing press 2, if...."

"Please hold; we're sorry for the delay. All agents are busy ignoring other customers."

'I clawed my way to the top and then I clawed my way back to the middle.'

'A representative will be with you in twelve minutes... so, if you have to go to the bathroom, please go now...'

"Ed Pierce is here to see you sir, and remember, it's unprofessional to roll your eyes."

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

"They're out to get me... I keep getting phone calls that say 'spam risk'."

"He told me I was a flip phone expected to do a smart phone job."

Do not feed the clerks.

"Help, I'm being micro managed."

Due to higher-than-usual caller volume, your wait-time is nine minutes. That's over an hour in wolverine minutes.

"To hear the sounds of the seas press 1, for all other options, or, to speak with a customer advisor, please press 2."

"After giving them the runaround for five minutes, pass them on to anger management."

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

'Excuse me, but is there any chance of finding me a decaffeinated clerk?'

'Oi, do you mind, trying to speak to my colleague - two self service tills having a chat together.'

'Oh, it's about what I expected...I'm on hold for eternity to some tech rep in India.'

'You've waited on hold 45 minutes just to speak to my boss? Seriously, sir, get a life!'

"Unfortunately, our user-friendly toaster is warranty-unfriendly!"

Complaints about how we handled your complaint.