Customer Service Survivors Gifts

'And why do you want a refund on that calendar?'

"I want my money back, please. That GPS you sold me isn't worth squat."

'For normal frustrating service...press 1. If you have all day...'

"Please rate our customer service. For Nasty Insults, Press 1...."

"Thank you for ringing your energy company. Please leave a message after the laughter..."

'I clawed my way to the top and then I clawed my way back to the middle.'

"Wrong window. I’m a sea lion. You need an otter."

"This controls the speed, this opens the door and if you press the red button a maintenance man appears and gives you a very large bill"

"Ed Pierce is here to see you sir, and remember, it's unprofessional to roll your eyes."

'Waiter, there's a drone in my soup.'

'If you want to hear the ocean, press one.'

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

Do not feed the clerks.

"He told me I was a flip phone expected to do a smart phone job."

'It's OK, we all make mistakes. The important thing is that you learn to cover your tracks.'

'No tipping please.'

"Help, I'm being micro managed."

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

"Unfortunately, our user-friendly toaster is warranty-unfriendly!"

'Excuse me, but is there any chance of finding me a decaffeinated clerk?'

"If you think my service is bad. . . wait 'til you taste the food!"

"After giving them the runaround for five minutes, pass them on to anger management."

"Before you speak to the manager, we want to congratulate you on being our one millionth irate customer."

'Oi, do you mind, trying to speak to my colleague - two self service tills having a chat together.'

'Oh, it's about what I expected...I'm on hold for eternity to some tech rep in India.'

Complaints about how we handled your complaint.

'No, I'm sorry, the HVAC engineer isn't here ... No, I'm not sure when he'll be back? Would you like to be put on hold?'

"No, this is the department for obfuscation, hindrance, confusion and prevarication...you want the department for sophistry, incomprehension, fudging and evasiveness!!"

'Damn copier broke down again!'

'Of course I care, madam!'

They say you can't go home again. They ought to know. They own the company.

'Our customer service was lousy, but from now on, we'll give the personal touch. Let's write to 'Hey lassies and dudes, what's up?'

"You're home from work now Dear, you can go back on your default setting."

'There's supposed to be 56 million bubbles in a bottle of Champagne -- I only counted 54, 325,775.'

"My name's Karezog, Despoiler of Worlds, Devourer of Souls. I'll be your server tonight."