Service Industry Survivor Gifts

"Can I bring you something else to complain about?"

Help wanted - Better help wanted.

'Were you trying to attract my attention, Sir?'

'No tipping please.'

"This controls the speed, this opens the door and if you press the red button a maintenance man appears and gives you a very large bill"

"How can I help you today?"

'Sorry to keep you waiting - Would Sir like some gravy to go with that menu?'

'There will be an eight-hour wait. Would you like a cot?'

"My sinuses are killing me, I have a throbbing headache, I'm overdue for my break, and I'm freezing!! Are you cold?"

You know, just because the restaurant operates at 30 percent capacity doesn't mean you do.

"Before you speak to the manager, we want to congratulate you on being our one millionth irate customer."

"Sorry for the delay, sir - the 'catch of the day' turned on us."

"Water, please – no ice. I don't want my water watered down."

"Never write down an order. When customers complain, we don't want to leave a paper trail."

'If you think the service is bad, wait until you taste the food.'

'Waiter, there's a drone in my soup.'

'In case of emergency break glass.'

'I'm Ray. I'll be your waiter this evening, I guess.'

'Quick, table two have both for their mouths full, ask them how their meal is.'

"When you have a moment, my table needs some more bread."

'Bring me the manager.' 'How would you like him, fried or boiled?.'

'My name is Andre and I could be your waiter this evening. We'll see how it goes.'

'The waiting around for initial consultations, procedures, and follow up appointments...I just assumed by this time we had a relationship!'

"It's your tip to lose."

"Relax―all I want is a good table."

"I'm sorry to keep you both waiting – have you been freaking out long?"

"I'm just the bus boy but I'll be ignoring you also."

'Would you like a balloon with that?'

"The UWS association for the advancement of A.I."

Man Trying to Uncork Champagne.

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

'The customer is always right...'

'Why, yes, I remember you. May I suggest an undrinkable pinot grigio that goes well with a bad tip?'

"Ed Pierce is here to see you sir, and remember, it's unprofessional to roll your eyes."

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'