Customer Service Warriors Gifts

"All right. You can keep it as long as you're on hold, but then you have to turn it in."

'But not important enough to hire more operators.'

...Phone Rage Counselling Clinic, please hold..

Callers of an impatient or grumpy disposition may widh to hang up at this stage.

'Just a moment, Sir, I'm putting you through to someone random!'

Information: How Can I Help You? How Can I Get Rid Of You?

'Why are you arguing? The customer is always right, you know! 'But he called you a crook!'

'This fish isn't tank broken - I want a refund!'

"Wrong window. I’m a sea lion. You need an otter."

"Can I talk to someone who knows something?"

"Ed Pierce is here to see you sir, and remember, it's unprofessional to roll your eyes."

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

"I suppose that's what happens when 'putting customers first' comes second!"

'You think you have it rough. Try organizing a waiting room.'

Do not feed the clerks.

'Excuse me, but is there any chance of finding me a decaffeinated clerk?'

"After giving them the runaround for five minutes, pass them on to anger management."

'Oi, do you mind, trying to speak to my colleague - two self service tills having a chat together.'

'Oh, it's about what I expected...I'm on hold for eternity to some tech rep in India.'

"If you think my service is bad. . . wait 'til you taste the food!"

"Unfortunately, our user-friendly toaster is warranty-unfriendly!"

Friendly banks and Cold and aloof banks.

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

'I see you've found a cure of the 'new car fever'.'

Complaints about how we handled your complaint.

'No, I'm sorry, the HVAC engineer isn't here ... No, I'm not sure when he'll be back? Would you like to be put on hold?'

"No, this is the department for obfuscation, hindrance, confusion and prevarication...you want the department for sophistry, incomprehension, fudging and evasiveness!!"

"I'd recommend this."

'Of course I care, madam!'

'Of course it's cold. We serve breakfast anytime, but we only make it in the morning.'

"Will that be for here or to go?"

'Hey that's our waiter on his way home!'

'On behalf of our cabin crew who have voted in favour of strike action over Christmas. . . kindly fill out this form. Please send us your questions and comments about how the strike has effected your plans, ruined your holiday. . .'

'There's supposed to be 56 million bubbles in a bottle of Champagne -- I only counted 54, 325,775.'

"You're home from work now Dear, you can go back on your default setting."