Customer Service Warrior Gifts

"I selected option 2, for help with my billing question, but was switched to option 3, to get a hard time with my billing question."

'It's $50 for the extra bag, $20 for a reassuring smile and $30 for a ‘have a nice flight.''

'Remember, the customers are always right because class action suits are very expensive.'

'For the wrong department: Press one. . . for a patronizing excuse: Press two. . .'

"There's too much water in this lemonade!"

"OMG! You're still there! I'm going to have to out you on hold again while I figure out another way to get rid of you."

'Hello, Biggo Sports Supply?...About that compass special you advertised...'

"How can I help you?"

'This call may be monitored for training purposes, and you'll understand why when the tech can't answer your questions.'

'And press nine if you are loosing the will to live!'

'Please stay on the line -- your call is very important to us... important to us... important to us....'

'My name is Melanie, and I drew the short straw, so I'll be your waitress tonight.'

"You can hold for an assistant, or you can go online and chat with our robot until it tells you to hold for an assistant."

"If you think my service is bad. . . wait 'til you taste the food!"

"I believe you provide free brochures and advice."

'Oh come now-you don't think it will be that easy, do you?'

'On behalf of our cabin crew who have voted in favour of strike action over Christmas. . . kindly fill out this form. Please send us your questions and comments about how the strike has effected your plans, ruined your holiday. . .'

Complaints: 'And another thing...!'

"Everything."

Despatch Dept - Sorry, your order is late sir, everybody's away on an 'Improve Customer Relations' course.

Cooling off period? I'm so cold I'll probably never use your shop again!

'And I want to compliment you on your crummy hold music - it really set my toes tapping!'

'LOVE that hint of sarcasm in your ‘HAVE A GREAT DAY!''

'How do I go about getting a non-working number?'

Harold Was Done Asking Customers About Their Day

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

'Why are you arguing? The customer is always right, you know! 'But he called you a crook!'

'This fish isn't tank broken - I want a refund!'

"Wrong window. I’m a sea lion. You need an otter."

"Can I talk to someone who knows something?"

"We rolled your account over, sir, and that just made it worse."

"So we've managed to consolidate all our multinational 24 hour hotline support centres down to one Single Point of Contact... and here he is."

"Ed Pierce is here to see you sir, and remember, it's unprofessional to roll your eyes."

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

'Rabner is tops in customer retention.'