Customer Service Crusader Gifts

Complaints/Revenge

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

"I don't know how you managed it madam, but you have got though to someone in authority."

Complaints Queue

'It's not that I don't like the product. I can't get it out of the package.'

"What the...hey, it's working after all!"

'It turned out our customers cared about our customer care policy and they've all gone somewhere else!'

"You should have read the fine print - the guarantee runs out the moment the product stops working..."

"Excuse me? Are you serious? Did you just call me 'hot stuff'? That is outrageous! Where's your boss? Do you people understand customer service at all? I'm never setting foot in this place again!"

To get customer service please scream loudly 'Dear God is there no one there, what do I have to do to get serviced...I'm going to take my money somewhere else...'

"People are sick of 'automated' systems, they want to talk to real people..."

'About those complaints that you are pushy and overbearing...'

"Your waitress left an hour ago. What was it you ordered?"

'Do you have this in a smaller size?' - 'Is she nuts! She's way too big for that size. She'll destroy it if she tries it on...but if I don't answer her soon she'll destroy me...'

'He's been waiting on hold for tech support.'

"Yes, who do I punch in the face for overbooking my flight?"

"I'm sorry. All of our advisors are busy ignoring other customers at the moment."

"Never mind - we waited so long that we ordered pizza from the place across the street."

"Your issue should be simple to resolve. I'll just go and get someone less qualified to help you."

"The main difference is that if you mail it first class. . . we actually deliver it!"

The Listening Bank

We need a new eco project. Ok. Let's get locally grown food into the school cafeteria. What's our strategy? We can start with the potatoes. I'll make the poster. We want home fries.

'I'd like to return this, please.'

"Great idea of yours to offer their money back if not satisfied."

Payback Time

"I'm afraid that due to a recent reorientation of forward facing customer resource functionality you're going to have to make the complaint to yourself... in triplicate."

"Don't make me send over the bad waitress."

"I suppose that's what happens when 'putting customers first' comes second!"

'Your call is very important to us, so please continue to hold.'

"We need to talk about your driving. Some of your passengers have been complaining."

"If you think my service is bad. . . wait 'til you taste the food!"

Friendly banks and Cold and aloof banks.

"I'd recommend this."

"Never mind - we waited so long that we ordered pizza from the place across the street!"

Customer tangled up in velvet rope is trying to ring bell for help.