Customer Service Savant Gifts

"This is great!! Now, what's the bad news?"

"Perhaps you're to blame for having unrealistic expectations."

'Our customer service was lousy, but from now on, we'll give the personal touch. Let's write to 'Hey lassies and dudes, what's up?'

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

'I'd like to return this, please.'

'Okay, okay, be patient!'

'Why are you arguing? The customer is always right, you know! 'But he called you a crook!'

'This fish isn't tank broken - I want a refund!'

"Wrong window. I’m a sea lion. You need an otter."

Despite the economic downturn, sales are as good as ever.

'Sell South Africa!'

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."

"Ed Pierce is here to see you sir, and remember, it's unprofessional to roll your eyes."

'Let me through - I've a bargain for a nose!'

Rudy, I've noticed your upsells have fallen drastically over the last 16 years. More and more, you just give customers what they ask for instead of pushing them to buy a larger cup, an extra cookie, or a 3-minute bathroom pass. That is unacceptable. So I've signed you up for my mandatory "How to Upsell" course and ordered you the reading material. Tuition fees will be deducted from your check. As your first lesson, I've upgraded you from the 2-week course to the 15-day one for just $50 extra. Ve

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

"I suppose that's what happens when 'putting customers first' comes second!"

"We don't believe in miracles. We rely on them."

The company's marketing strategy became increasingly sophisticated.

'You think you have it rough. Try organizing a waiting room.'

Do not feed the clerks.

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

'Hold my purse. I'm going in only to complain.'

'Oi, do you mind, trying to speak to my colleague - two self service tills having a chat together.'

'Oh, it's about what I expected...I'm on hold for eternity to some tech rep in India.'

'I tell you, Angela, there's no sight sadder than a desperate adhesives salesman...'

"And the best feature of this shoe is you'll look Athletic even if you're not."

"Unfortunately, our user-friendly toaster is warranty-unfriendly!"

'Excuse me, but is there any chance of finding me a decaffeinated clerk?'

Look at these silly doorbuster promos for flat-screens and webcams. So? Tree's Trees. I'm not battling Black Friday traffic for a few bucks off junk I don't want. I hope someone does. I'm offering half off poinsettias for the first 25 customers. Tree's Tree Nursery. They're my gatebusters. Junk plants no one really wants.

"If you think my service is bad. . . wait 'til you taste the food!"

"After giving them the runaround for five minutes, pass them on to anger management."

Friendly banks and Cold and aloof banks.

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

'I see you've found a cure of the 'new car fever'.'