Customer Service Savvy Gifts

'Hold my purse. I'm going in only to complain.'

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

"They're having a fight over how best to handle client conflict."

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

"Now that's what I call customer service!"

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

"Remember Mr. Cockbundle is not just a 'customer', he is an important source of valuable and readily marketable data."

"Philosophy Department. Why may I direct your call?"

"Don't you just hate restaurants that make you feel rushed?"

Feedback card for lions eating their prey.

"I've tasted better myself, but you've got to admit the service is good."

Direct Marketing...

'This fish isn't tank broken - I want a refund!'

'Why are you arguing? The customer is always right, you know! 'But he called you a crook!'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

All of our representatives are busy right now. Stay on the line and someone will be with you in a few miles.

'Well, I'm not very satisfied with our customers, either.'

"Wrong window. I’m a sea lion. You need an otter."

"We add an eighteen percent gratuity for parties of six or more."

"Try not to think of them just as a 'customer' but rather as your only chance of paying your mortgage and putting food on your plate."

"The after-dinner mint is the boss's idea. I think it's superfluous."

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

"Nihilistic customer service"

'Waiter, there's a hairball in my soup, too.'

"I'll carve the wheels, you'll sell them, and Oog, here, can be customer service."

"This is what we call a 'customer', or more accurately a 'potential profit centre.'"

"So, you want me to go all the way back to the kitchen just to get you a menu...? Couldn't I just give you a link to our, online menu?!"

Have you tried turning it off and on again?

"Can I talk to someone who knows something?"

"Rule #1: don't offer to carry anything!"

Telephone message - 'This is a recording. If you'd like to speak to a real live human being, forgetaboutit.