Customer Service Veteran Gifts

"Wrong window. I’m a sea lion. You need an otter."

Your call is very important to us. It allows our nails to dry while we keep you on hold.

'Enjoy? Don't tell me what to do!'

"Thank you for remaining on the line so long. All our agents are apparently a lot busier than you are."

"And when we say 'recorded for quality assurance', we mean recorded to cover our backsides."

'I'd like to return this, please.'

'Why are you arguing? The customer is always right, you know! 'But he called you a crook!'

'This fish isn't tank broken - I want a refund!'

"I'm just the bus boy but I'll be ignoring you also."

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

'Why, yes, I remember you. May I suggest an undrinkable pinot grigio that goes well with a bad tip?'

"Ed Pierce is here to see you sir, and remember, it's unprofessional to roll your eyes."

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

"I suppose that's what happens when 'putting customers first' comes second!"

'You think you have it rough. Try organizing a waiting room.'

Rent-a-Drama: "How many tweens will you need for your event?"

"Providing the kind of service the customer is paying for could be a serious hassle."

"The legal people are terrified of litigation but I insisted that we write an apology to the client of the lack of service. . . as long as we don't sent it!"

Do not feed the clerks.

'Is that freshly brewed?'

'Excuse me, but is there any chance of finding me a decaffeinated clerk?'

'I see you've found a cure of the 'new car fever'.'

Friendly banks and Cold and aloof banks.

"If you think my service is bad. . . wait 'til you taste the food!"

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

"After giving them the runaround for five minutes, pass them on to anger management."

'Oi, do you mind, trying to speak to my colleague - two self service tills having a chat together.'

"Unfortunately, our user-friendly toaster is warranty-unfriendly!"

'Oh, it's about what I expected...I'm on hold for eternity to some tech rep in India.'

Complaints about how we handled your complaint.

'No, I'm sorry, the HVAC engineer isn't here ... No, I'm not sure when he'll be back? Would you like to be put on hold?'

"I'd recommend this."

"No, this is the department for obfuscation, hindrance, confusion and prevarication...you want the department for sophistry, incomprehension, fudging and evasiveness!!"

'Of course it's cold. We serve breakfast anytime, but we only make it in the morning.'

'Of course I care, madam!'