Customer Service Saviors Gifts

"Please remain on the line. Someone will be ignoring your call shortly."

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

'I'd like to return this, please.'

"Can I talk to someone who knows something?"

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."

"Ed Pierce is here to see you sir, and remember, it's unprofessional to roll your eyes."

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

"I suppose that's what happens when 'putting customers first' comes second!"

Do not feed the clerks.

"It got so bad that had to bring Jones in to turn things around."

'Hold my purse. I'm going in only to complain.'

'We need someone who can turn this company around in a hurry.'

"If you think my service is bad. . . wait 'til you taste the food!"

"After giving them the runaround for five minutes, pass them on to anger management."

Friendly banks and Cold and aloof banks.

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

"Unfortunately, our user-friendly toaster is warranty-unfriendly!"

'Oh, it's about what I expected...I'm on hold for eternity to some tech rep in India.'

'Excuse me, but is there any chance of finding me a decaffeinated clerk?'

'Oi, do you mind, trying to speak to my colleague - two self service tills having a chat together.'

Complaints about how we handled your complaint.

"It's your turn, kid."

'No, I'm sorry, the HVAC engineer isn't here ... No, I'm not sure when he'll be back? Would you like to be put on hold?'

"I'd recommend this."

"No, this is the department for obfuscation, hindrance, confusion and prevarication...you want the department for sophistry, incomprehension, fudging and evasiveness!!"

'Coming to you direct from table nine; 'the polenta is cold'.'

'Of course I care, madam!'

"Will that be for here or to go?"

'Of course it's cold. We serve breakfast anytime, but we only make it in the morning.'

"It's new. It's called a pre-tip. You pay me now and I'll actually bring your food before it's cold!"

'Please remember how silly and humiliating grinding pepper is when you figure my tip.'

"You're home from work now Dear, you can go back on your default setting."

'There's supposed to be 56 million bubbles in a bottle of Champagne -- I only counted 54, 325,775.'

'Our customer service was lousy, but from now on, we'll give the personal touch. Let's write to 'Hey lassies and dudes, what's up?'

'Hey that's our waiter on his way home!'